We started doing WRAP at Eden this week. I went in at my skeptical best, and told them as much. WRAP is an acronym for wellness recovery action plan, which is a combination of words guaranteed to set me on edge. But, I was pleasantly surprised as the day went on. It was nothing I didn’t know already, but created space for discussion that got me thinking. I came away feeling remarkably enthused, and determined that this was going to work for me, regardless of how much the word wellness irritates me.
This morning though……….after a week filled with high emotion (confirmation of boundaries by Therapist 1.0, excitement at prospect of today’s interview, enthusiasm after WRAP, frustration at what our government is doing yet again to mental health services and chronically high levels of as yet unexplained agitation yesterday) I find myself struggling with one of the key concepts. There are five – hope, personal responsibility, education, self advocacy, support – and I have plenty I could say about all of them, but one in particular is causing problems for me this morning. Personal responsibility.
I have been so good the last few weeks. I’ve taken my diet in hand, have cut down alcohol, am making sure I get to bed on time, am walking most days………I’m doing lots of the things that I know contribute to my wellness (my god that word irritates me!! I’m going to go ahead and use well being for now). Wheels fell off dramatically yesterday though. I just couldn’t be arsed. I spent the day fighting extreme levels of agitation and trying not to let it spill over. I tried yoga. I tried breathing. I eventually tried drugs, but nothing worked, so by yesterday evening I found myself heading back for the old reliables – food and alcohol.
Which brings me round to personal responsibility. When I’m in the right frame of mind, I can do it. I can excel at it. But when I’m not – it becomes another stick to beat myself with. I knew last night that what I really needed to do was get myself to bed early, get some sleep, and end the day. But I chose not to. I chose to drink wine and eat crap (thankfully not too much of either) and stay up too late. I didn’t even let myself enjoy it because the entire time I kept thinking how it was the wrong thing to be doing. This morning? I’m frustrated with myself. I realise that one night of (only very slight) excess can’t undo four weeks work, but my all or nothing tendency is really trying to kick in – I’m off the wagon so I might as well stay off the wagon. In style.
I guess this is the personal responsibility part. I can choose to continue to give myself a hard time about yesterday, or I can choose to let it go. Today is a new day. My wiring wants me to go for the former. I’m going to try the latter.