It’s finally happened. It’s taken the best part of three years, but I finally, finally trust my psychiatrist. She didn’t say anything I particularly wanted to hear, but at the same time I left feeling reassured that I haven’t been making everything up, that all the crazy that goes on in my head is real (unfortunately), and part of bpd. It was the first time we really talked about it properly to be honest, I think probably because it was the first time I felt able to tell her some of the more random stuff that I think and feel – chiefly, everything about Therapist.
I went into the appointment not knowing what to expect. When she opened with the standard ‘how’s your mood been’ question, I suspect I visibly deflated. But, I was able to tell her how hard I find that question, and she understood. She understood. Even before I elaborated any further, she was talking about how she knows everything can change so rapidly for me. Maybe it was this understanding from the outset that made me feel safer, but very quickly I was able to move on to the biggest issues I’ve been facing since I last saw her – namely my tendency to self sabotage, my epically bad decision making a few weeks back, and my massive, overwhelming confusion about Therapist. I have a bobbin that lives permanently on my wrist, and I have a habit of fiddling with it when I’m stressed or anxious. I’ve done it as long as I can remember, and always when I’m with Therapist – she calls it my transitional object, something I use for comfort, or distraction when I’m distressed. I went straight for the bobbin as soon as I sat down today, and I could see her watching me, noticing it, repeatedly. The fact that I was actually able to look at her long enough to see this (I’m rarely able to look at Therapist), to realise she was noticing what was going on for me……..I think that’s what gave me what I needed to keep going.
|Yes, I’m in my jammies. Again.|
So I did. Emotion came out of nowhere and blind sided me. It was painful, but it was also a relief, because I felt like I was finally able to let her see the truth of where I’m at. I felt utterly ridiculous, and was waiting for her to tell me that actually I am cracked, that the behaviour is completely inappropriate and that I need to stop working with Therapist immediately. But, she didn’t judge me. She understood. It’s all part of the transference that goes on with bpd, and despite how it feels, it’s a good thing. It means I have a decent relationship with Therapist, and that we’re making progress. It seems so strange that I can hear this from her and accept it that much more easily than I can from Therapist, but I guess she has the advantage of being at a remove from me. I don’t have enough of a relationship with her to have developed the same attachment, so when she says it’s ‘normal’ (disaster of a word I know but best I can come up with right now) under the circumstances, I’m more willing to believe her. With Therapist, I’m still utterly convinced that she’s disappointed in me, tolerating me to a point, but behind it all, she just wants to get away from me. Transference much?!
I need to work on accepting what’s going on for me, what I’ve got, and who I am (nothing new there). I know how to manage it, but I also know how to scupper myself, and it’s staying away from that that’s the challenge, or one of them at least. I’ve to keep up with the meds. I did question whether or not they were really necessary as I’m not depressed right now, but her argument is that SSRIs take the edge of the emotional intensity that goes with bpd, as does the mood stabiliser. So, however much I don’t like it, they stay. I’ve to try and keep up running and yoga, and maybe, just maybe, think about using headspace again. Even as I write that I can feel how strongly I’m resisting it!! We talked about DBT, apparently they’re bringing it in as part of the services in the unit and she briefly suggested that it might be useful for me, but on balance, decided I’m better to keep going as I am and continue with Therapist. She wants me to see this through to it’s end point with her. I think that’s something else that gave me relief – it’s almost as though she gave me permission to keep working with Therapist.
I’ve just reread the above, and do you know what? That’s exactly what it is. She’s given me permission to have borderline, to have this need for Therapist, to be as I am. She’s told me it’s ok, it’s not my fault. I cannot tell you what a relief that is, even if it only lasts for today.