It’s finally happened. Therapist has finally taken a tumble from her pedestal. I don’t know how I feel about this. Since about 12 this afternoon I’ve had the sensation of something being caught in my throat (there’s nothing there), and our session was really tough. This was partly because it’s just been a shitty couple of weeks since I last saw her so there was a lot of stress to contend with, but also because we had to talk again about what I need versus what she can offer. She said a lot, most of which I can’t remember because I was too busy not breathing. I know there was something about my being too important for her to take a risk, that that’s why we need more support. I think she meant both of us – me in that I need more than she can offer, and her in that things have gotten too complicated for her to be solely responsible. I may be interpreting that entirely incorrectly but it’s what I understood at the time. We talked about her upcoming holiday – 6 whole weeks where I won’t see her. She wants me to chase the hospital, to make sure they put something in place for that time. She’s willing to talk to them if they will talk to her (up till now they haven’t, other than once when I was an in patient).
Fuck it. I’ve no idea where I’m going with this. Mostly I think the reality of the limitations of where we’re at have finally hit home. I’ve fought against it for so long, have tried to make her something she’s not, make her give me something that’s not in her power to give, I’ve pushed the boundaries so hard. But she’s not giving in. She won’t give in. In theory, I get that not giving in is the best thing she can do for me. In theory I get that she cares, at least on a professional level. In practice? She’s human. She makes mistakes. She needs breaks. She’s not infallible. She doesn’t have all the answers. She can’t fix me. These, and so much more, are all things I’ve been aware of for a long time, but they’re also things I’ve been refusing to accept. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I can’t have her as being anything less than perfect. I can’t seem to reconcile the notion that she can be human, occasionally get tired, frustrated, angry, and all the myriad other things that make us human, with still having the ability to support me. Or not even support me. Just listen to me. Tolerate me. Am I afraid that if I finally concede that she’s only human, that’s she’ll disappear on me? That despite all the evidence to the contrary, despite the years of time and support she has given me, one day she’ll get tired and snap and that will be it?
About 5 minutes from the end of the session I clammed up, because I didn’t see the point in starting on anything else with so little time left. So she asked me a question instead – am I disappointed with how this has to be? Or at least I think that’s what she asked me, because whatever it was it knocked me sideways. Disappointed isn’t the right word. I’m not sure what is to be honest. Yes, there’s disappointment, but there’s something much bigger. Whatever that something bigger is, it threatened to overwhelm me completely. So I left. We had two whole minutes to go, I could have stayed and taken some breathing space, maybe tried that little bit longer to figure out what the something is. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I felt exposed, vulnerable, ashamed, weak…………so I swallowed it all and left.
And now, I’m left with a really deep rooted frustration that’s threatening to run over into anger, because I don’t know what I feel, I don’t know how to make it better, and I can’t even come close to expressing it properly. I have no clue what happened today, not really. Something shifted. Something’s coming to the surface. Whatever it is though, it’s currently lodged firmly in my throat and it’s getting no further.