Today hasn’t been easy and I don’t know why, there’s been no reason for it not to be. I’ve been on edge since the minute I woke up this morning although I didn’t realise at first. Hubby spotted it and asked if I was alright, I didn’t notice till I was about half way to work. It’s a strange feeling. You know the one that you get in your stomach on the way to a job interview, or a driving test? It’s like that. Except it’s also accompanied by a very foggy mind, and has a far less valid reason, or in my case today, no real reason at all.

There’s no denying I’ve been a lot better this last while, but there are still certain things happening that make me feel the medication really is acting as a buffer at the moment. I’ve already talked about the short memory (which is getting progressively worse so forgive me if I repeat myself), and the lack of focus, they’re two big ones right now. I love to read, always have, but for weeks now I simply cannot concentrate on a book. Therapist suggested I try reading something I’ve already read and really enjoyed – I got two pages in and put it down (and it’s a really good read – http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6643090-major-pettigrew-s-last-stand – a delight from start to finish). But I just couldn’t concentrate on it. I was getting wound up earlier in the week because work is pretty quiet – I think that may actually be the universe looking out for me because I’m not sure I’d cope under pressure. My head feels as if there are waves crashing about, I know there are a lot of thoughts in there but I can’t catch hold of them and it’s just noise. I’m catastrophising. I’m quite shaky physically. Sleep is hard to come by. No matter how tired I am, once my head hits the pillow I’m wide awake, and yet when sleep does come, it happens very suddenly, which makes me think if I wasn’t taking something to help me sleep, I’d be spending a lot of time staring at the ceiling. And emotionally? I’m trying really hard to find the words here…………………it’s as if I’m aware of the feeling, but not reaching it – does that make sense? For example, earlier this evening something reminded me of my Mam and I really missed her. I could feel that under different circumstances it would have had me in tears, but this evening I was more skirting on the edge of it. I really don’t know if this is making any sense to you at all, but as my mind is very fuzzy it’s the best I can do right now. I keep catching myself holding my breath, I have to remind myself to breathe properly.

There are two things that I suspect are contributing to how I feel today, although by no means do they justify the low today has been. The first is a mundane financial issue which I won’t bore you with. The second is more significant, but still shouldn’t inspire the kind of anxiety I’ve been feeling. It’s that time of the year where people take holidays. That includes Therapist. We’re on a few weeks break now and that makes me nervous, irrationally so. When I last saw her I was in great form, she commented that she’d never left me in such a good place when taking leave before. And I agreed, because I felt good. But now? Now it seems like a long time for me to keep the demons at bay without her help.

I need to work in some positives here for myself. I guess the big thing is that I’m aware of all this. I’m also aware that I’m very tired today, and tired never helps my outlook. I’m thinking of taking something on that will be a big step for me, a hugely positive and empowering one, although on a day like today it’s a little intimidating so that’s rolling around the back of my mind. I also have to bear in mind that I’m adjusting to a new dose of medication, and that may be causing some of how I’m feeling. It’s certainly making itself felt in terms of side effects – I’m currently experiencing some of the extremely rare, 1 in 10,000 side effects. Lucky me, eh? So what do I need to do? Go easy. Don’t push myself to feel better. Today wasn’t great, but tomorrow is a new day. With any luck, the sun will shine again. I will get past this, I’ll settle into the meds and I’ll be ok. Therapist will come back, and until she does, I will probably do a lot of blogging to keep myself sane!! Somewhere inside I know I can do this. I just need to find that somewhere, and believe it. The blue sky is always there. It’s just sometimes hidden by the clouds.

This article has 2 Comments

  1. Hope the sun is shining today Fi. I think it's so utterly fantastic that you can be so self-aware about all of this. Months ago, you just would have fled from it, now you turn and face and try to pick it apart so you can deal with it. Amazing and inspiring. Keep on writing and have a GIANT hug from me until I get to give you one for real x

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