The rest is just feeling, and it will pass‘. It might be just feeling. I know it will pass. But it’s not passing quickly enough for my liking. By the time I got home yesterday evening I felt really bogged down, and our car deciding to overheat on the way really didn’t help (we’re a one car family, so any time the car causes problems, which is quite a lot of late, it’s a logistical/financial nightmare). This morning? Bleugh. Slept ok, but I feel tired. Car is in the garage so there was a lot of faffing and scrounging of lifts to get kids to creche/school and us to work. It’s raining. I’m really worried about how we’re going to pay for the car, and just how bad the problem might be.

But here’s the kicker. I know I’m overreacting. The car will get fixed and we’ll pay for it, somehow. It was all a bit messy this morning, but really, not the end of the world. What’s bothering me is the impact it’s had on my mood. Or maybe it’s not related to the car at all, maybe it’s just coincidence. Either way my form has taken a bit of a nose dive. I’m on edge. I’m snappy. I’m comfort eating. Everything is taking that bit more effort again. My mind is working overtime to find a problem to cling on to. I can’t settle. Hubby commented last night that in the space of a two minute conversation he saw quite a few of my tells that something isn’t right. Unfortunately he wont’ tell me what these are so I can’t hide them (I realise this is probably a wise move on his part), although I know that the sense of urgency I have right now is a big one – Monday it was the blog, I had to change it, make it look better, NOW. Yesterday it was the car. Need to find a mechanic, find a solution, get it fixed, NOW. Motivation has slipped for the things that I know will help. As I was getting ready for bed last night I decided I was getting up for yoga this morning. By the time I actually got into bed less than five minutes later, I knew it wasn’t going to happen, and it didn’t. I’m yellow.

Mostly I’m anxious. I do not like how I feel right now, not one little bit. I was so happy and so excited last week that things are finally starting to change, and now I’m right back to second guessing myself and being apprehensive about whether I’ll be able to manage. Chances are this is a minor blip, one that will pass in a day or two. But right now there’s a little voice at the back of my mind, getting gradually louder, reminding me that every time I change meds I have a honeymoon period where things seem to be great and then it all goes belly up again. I am hoping against hope that that’s not what is happening now. Hubby thinks not. We’ll see.

This article has 12 Comments

  1. There's so much to be said for self-awareness. I think it's great that you know when you are overreacting. As they say, knowing is half the battle. Good luck, and hope things get better!

    Thanks for linking up with Vicky, and myself.

    Expat Frugalista

  2. Could have written that car story myself! Mine seems to always go just before xmas- resulting in money worrying (I've come to realise this is a big trigger). Last time car went couple of months ago-PANIC! Had to spend most of work googling how to fix it,spend lunch trying to fix it,worry over when to fix it,how to pay,how to get into work etc etc. As therapist said its overworry- car will get fixed,nothing I can do will make it happen sooner-plus I need to ask for help! Glad to hear was small issue-like when I hear that!

  3. Thank Alan. Never seems to be a good time to have car trouble! I always panic when something goes wrong with it as we've had a couple of whopper bills over the years and it's getting on in age. Your therapist is right, complete over worry and it doesn't change anything, but when I'm in the frame of mind that I have at the moment I have to feel like I'm doing something to make things better, whether it makes sense or not!! one more thing to work on I guess.

  4. Very well written. I also react with intensity to simple little things going wrong for me. Its like my brains normal setting is for intense experience and it amplifies little problems to feel hard done by and very sorry for myself. No easy solutions obvikusly in the day to day. But writing helps

  5. A really great first person account of how it feels when things start to feel 'just not right'. I know that sense of free floating anxiety well, just waiting for something to cling to and to amplify it. I wish you all the best and ask that you keep talking. When we speak of these problems it takes away some of their power, which is why stigma over mental health issues is so insipid and corrosive. Thanks so much for linking up.
    Love Vicky x

  6. Hey, just because you're taking medication that make your mood better and your mind quieter it doesn't mean you will be in control all the time, not of your life and not on how you might react to things that happen. You need to keep working at it ( said she who sat desperately sobbing last week because of something that now seems infinitely silly)(actually it was something my mum said)( I've been able to zoom out again since)
    You've been doing great lately, lot's of positives, but this is life, it throws all kind of shit at you and we have to keep working hard to keep the right perspective everytime, it's not automatic anymore. It's hard work, I'm having an other chocolate biscuit.
    Hope the therapy can help….
    Btw yu're doing fab!

    1. Thank you 🙂 I think I sometimes forget (although I've no idea how, I really should know better by now) that it won't always be plain sailing, and that one good day doesn't mean everything will be good forever more. Likewise, when it's a bad day I find it so hard to see any good in the future. Black and white thinking!! It's on the list, I'll work it out one of these days x

  7. Oh, I can relate so well to the last part about the meds, and trying to convince yourself that this is a temporary blip. The whole thing is simply exhausting. Tracking moods, tracking reactions to things to determine whether your reactions are "reasonable" (whatever that means), tracking what you think the meds might be doing (or not doing)… the cycle goes on and on.

    But, the one thing that doesn't change is that you do your best each day, in each moment, to handle whatever has come your way. That's all that you can reasonably ask of yourself. Whether it's a blip or a trend that needs redirecting, you will handle it. With the grace and strength you have already demonstrated to have in abundance. So keep putting one foot in front of the other, and trust that the rest will sort itself out as it usually does.

    (This sounds so wonderful when I say it to you but I'm consistently unable to apply it to myself! 🙂 )

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