‘The rest is just feeling, and it will pass‘. It might be just feeling. I know it will pass. But it’s not passing quickly enough for my liking. By the time I got home yesterday evening I felt really bogged down, and our car deciding to overheat on the way really didn’t help (we’re a one car family, so any time the car causes problems, which is quite a lot of late, it’s a logistical/financial nightmare). This morning? Bleugh. Slept ok, but I feel tired. Car is in the garage so there was a lot of faffing and scrounging of lifts to get kids to creche/school and us to work. It’s raining. I’m really worried about how we’re going to pay for the car, and just how bad the problem might be.
But here’s the kicker. I know I’m overreacting. The car will get fixed and we’ll pay for it, somehow. It was all a bit messy this morning, but really, not the end of the world. What’s bothering me is the impact it’s had on my mood. Or maybe it’s not related to the car at all, maybe it’s just coincidence. Either way my form has taken a bit of a nose dive. I’m on edge. I’m snappy. I’m comfort eating. Everything is taking that bit more effort again. My mind is working overtime to find a problem to cling on to. I can’t settle. Hubby commented last night that in the space of a two minute conversation he saw quite a few of my tells that something isn’t right. Unfortunately he wont’ tell me what these are so I can’t hide them (I realise this is probably a wise move on his part), although I know that the sense of urgency I have right now is a big one – Monday it was the blog, I had to change it, make it look better, NOW. Yesterday it was the car. Need to find a mechanic, find a solution, get it fixed, NOW. Motivation has slipped for the things that I know will help. As I was getting ready for bed last night I decided I was getting up for yoga this morning. By the time I actually got into bed less than five minutes later, I knew it wasn’t going to happen, and it didn’t. I’m yellow.
Mostly I’m anxious. I do not like how I feel right now, not one little bit. I was so happy and so excited last week that things are finally starting to change, and now I’m right back to second guessing myself and being apprehensive about whether I’ll be able to manage. Chances are this is a minor blip, one that will pass in a day or two. But right now there’s a little voice at the back of my mind, getting gradually louder, reminding me that every time I change meds I have a honeymoon period where things seem to be great and then it all goes belly up again. I am hoping against hope that that’s not what is happening now. Hubby thinks not. We’ll see.