I sat in a session with Therapist yesterday shaking and completely unable to take on what she was saying to me. The way out of this slump is self compassion, it’s the last thing left to do, because I’ve tried everything else. And it’s the one thing I cannot find right now. I look to her for reassurance and compassion because on the rare occasions that I do manage to find it for myself it means nothing coming from me. The more she tried to tell me that it’s not my fault, that I’m too hard on myself, that I say things to myself that I would never in a million years say to someone else because they’re so damaging, the less I was able to hear it. Want to know what was going on in my head?
- get a grip
- first world problem
- there is no justification for this much self pity
- so many people so much worse off
- I’m not depressed I’m just looking for attention
- this isn’t an illness
- etc etc etc – it gets pretty repetitive and wearing after this
I want her to get really angry with me, and tell me that she won’t work with me any more because I’m not trying hard enough. But she’s never going to do that. So I’m angry with myself instead. This isn’t going to get me anywhere, I know that. I see how I am with my kids, how patient I can be, how much I look after them. I can do compassion for other people, I’m really good at it. But for me? I seem to have thought my way into a hole that I can’t think myself back out of. Code orange.