Tomorrow will mark 3 whole weeks since I’ve seen Therapist. I honestly can’t remember the last time I went that long without either her support, or the support of someone else in her absence, but I’m going to be generous and say at least 3 years. It hasn’t been easy. There have been times I’ve desperately wanted to contact her. There have been times I’ve felt like utter crap and that she’s the only one who would understand. And then there have been times, many more than either of the previous, where I’ve felt fine.
So it’s got me thinking. One of the things that has scared me the most over the last few years has been the thought of reaching the day when Therapist would no longer be available to me, when I would be well enough to manage on my own (I realise how completely cracked it sounds to live in fear of the day that I’m well, but when I’m low, there are certain aspects of being well, in this case, no more therapy, that are truly terrifying). The extremely confused boundaries I’ve had around her haven’t helped – when you’ve been in therapy as long as I have, the therapist frequently becomes whoever you need them to be at a particular point – mother, friend, mentor – and it’s an incredibly delicate, frustratingly one-sided relationship. Given that one of the hallmarks of BPD is not knowing who I am in relation to other people, and needing to take my cues on how to react from what I’m presented with, this has proven to be particularly challenging. It’s led me to feel incredibly reliant on her, and then resentful of that reliance, then scared of being without her, then frustrated by my fear, angered at my inability to separate her from the process……….and so it continues.
|I’m pretty sure this is a Larson but not 100%|
But now, I find myself 3 weeks without her and I’m ok. So what I’m wondering is whether I should continue with this break now that I’ve done the hard part? I feel like if I go back and see her again I’ll be right back to square one in terms of transference and reliance and all the confusion that brings with it, whereas if I just take a step back, and keep my distance, there’ll be no need to open all that up again. Maybe I’m being naive. After all, it’s been a relatively easy few weeks – I was off for most of it, Hubby was off as well last week, I’m only back at work since yesterday and then I’m off again next week. Also, the fact that I know she is 110% uncontactable at the moment makes it easier to accept managing on my own, whereas once I know she’s back, I don’t know if I’ll be able to be that resolved.
I guess I’m still on the fence. I’d like to think that I’ll be ok, but I’m not going to ignore the fact that BPD and all it entails, along with the ever present threat of depression, means that I’ll always have to be mindful of how I’m thinking and behaving, and maybe I’ll still need Therapist. But wouldn’t it be nice to think I won’t need her quite so much??