It’s been a good day. All day! No dips, no irrational anger (yes intense frustration at times but normal ‘why haven’t you got your shoes on yet we’re going to be late’ type frustration). I woke up tired, and was so, so tempted to get Hubby to drop the kids to school. But I realised if he did, then I’d most likely go back to bed, eventually fall back asleep, wake up groggy and end up feeling guilty for wasting the morning. Instead, I made myself get dressed, packed the kids and the dogs out of the house, and stayed out walking for a good hour after I dropped the kids off. When I came home, I did some yoga – I aimed to do the 5 minutes I’ve committed to, and managed 20.
After that there was an appointment with my psychiatrist, which also went well. She’s really happy with how things are coming together in terms of dbt, and after some debate, we agreed that no changes should be made with meds. I’m a little concerned that the drugs I’m taking at night are carrying over into the following day. I’ve finally figured out that if I take it any later than 9pm, I’ll be really dopey the next morning, and I’ve been incredibly tired during the day the last few weeks despite getting a solid 8 hours a night. As well as that, I’ve been taking it a good four years now, and because it has the handy little side effect of making me sleepy, I’ve come to rely on it to get to sleep – I’m not actually sure I could get to sleep without it any more (I used to have wicked trouble sleeping). We tossed back and forth for a while about maybe reducing the dosage, but eventually agreed that given that I’m just getting started with therapy, now may not be the best time to go making any changes. But, she’s happy to review in a month or two, and if things seem to be going well, I might be able to start reducing it. The anti depressant is not up for debate at the moment though, that’s going to stay on a more long term basis. I can’t say that I’m thrilled about that, but I appreciate that we were at least able to have a conversation about it, and maybe, eventually, when I’ve finished dbt and can maintain stability (!!!!!!!!!) we can look at it then.
And the rest of the day? I was a domestic goddess! I looked after the kids, I hoovered, I made a decent dinner, I even made dessert for the first time in forever. It’s entirely possible that I’ve actually flicked up to the slightly more manic end of the scale, but even if that is the case, I’ll happily take a day like today over one that sees me wanting to punch walls or do nothing more than cry.
And maybe this isn’t slightly manic either. Maybe this is just me when I’m actually functioning. Wouldn’t that be awesome?