I’m obsessing. It isn’t pretty. I’ve spent the last two hours or so trying to figure out what exactly it is I want to say to Therapist, and I keep hitting a wall. I miss her, I’m angry with her, I never want to see her again, I want to see her now – it’s making me crazy. I came across an amazing blog today, life in a bind. It’s like she’s been reading my mind, especially when it comes to Therapist. Does it help to know that someone else runs this gamut of emotion over someone they essentially know nothing about? I think so. Does it make it even the tiniest bit easier? No chance.
I’ve spent almost all of today trying to persuade myself that all this confusion is bpd, it’ll pass, it’s not about her, it’s about the process, etc etc etc. Here’s the thing. I don’t believe me, not in the slightest. I simply cannot get my head around having so much intense and conflicting emotion all at the same time, and all centred around one person. Ironically, the one person I should be talking to about this, and the one person I find it almost impossible to admit all of this to. I’d stop and count how many contradictory levels of crazy are in these last few sentences if there wasn’t the chance it would push me over the edge entirely.
This sucks, utterly and completely. There’s no other way to put it. I should just go to bed.