I’m obsessing. It isn’t pretty. I’ve spent the last two hours or so trying to figure out what exactly it is I want to say to Therapist, and I keep hitting a wall. I miss her, I’m angry with her, I never want to see her again, I want to see her now – it’s making me crazy. I came across an amazing blog today, life in a bind. It’s like she’s been reading my mind, especially when it comes to Therapist. Does it help to know that someone else runs this gamut of emotion over someone they essentially know nothing about? I think so. Does it make it even the tiniest bit easier? No chance.

I’ve spent almost all of today trying to persuade myself that all this confusion is bpd, it’ll pass, it’s not about her, it’s about the process, etc etc etc. Here’s the thing. I don’t believe me, not in the slightest. I simply cannot get my head around having so much intense and conflicting emotion all at the same time, and all centred around one person. Ironically, the one person I should be talking to about this, and the one person I find it almost impossible to admit all of this to. I’d stop and count how many contradictory levels of crazy are in these last few sentences if there wasn’t the chance it would push me over the edge entirely.

This sucks, utterly and completely. There’s no other way to put it. I should just go to bed.

This article has 3 Comments

  1. I'm having a similar experience myself today. My therapist is away and I've spent most of today obsessing and trying to make sense of the mix of emotions I have towards her. The only thing that helps for me is hanging on to the belief that allowing yourself to feel those feelings and not denying them (no matter how irrational they seem) means that there's progress. The feelings are there for a reason and need to be felt, at least that's what I'm telling myself!

    1. That sounds reasonable! Does it help? I do try that, but it's such an intense, needy feeling that no amount of persuasion can make me accept it and I really, really don't want to feel it. Yet at least. The irony of course is that the more I fight it, the harder it is to think about anything else……..

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