My week away from the world really, really helped. By last weekend I was feeling pretty much human again and things had settled a lot. But the problem is, we’re only two days back into reality and already I can feel my mood heading south again. I’m not sure what I can do about that. Comforting and all as it is to retreat from everything, it’s really not a sustainable long term strategy.

Here are just two of the less than helpful thoughts I’ve had in the last couple of days……..stop taking meds. Contact Therapist. Both would end really, really badly. Lets take the meds one first because it’s a bit of a no brainer and I can’t quite believe I’m having to remind myself of this again. Stopping psychiatric medication cold turkey, and without medical guidance, is profoundly stupid. More than that, it’s really, really irresponsible. I know what will happen if I do this. There will be horrible, hideous withdrawal, possibly starting within 24 hours – nausea, dizziness, brain zaps to name but a few. I’ll get ridiculously giddy for a day or two (probably because Bitchface is really excited that I’m doing something so self-destructive) and then the crash will happen. Whatever intensity of emotion I’ve been feeling the last few months will be amplified 100%, and my ability to resist the urges that go along with such intense emotion will correspondingly decrease. I’ll become more erratic, more unstable. Everything will suffer, and more importantly, everyone around me will suffer. I cannot do that to my family, not again. So, note to self………..KEEP TAKING THE DRUGS.

Contacting Therapist? Another huge, huge, no no. Why? In short, no good could possible come of it. I could couch it any way I like, but the end result would be the same. The exact second I hit send on whatever carefully drafted mail or text I come up with the guilt would kick in, which would be swiftly followed by gut wrenching shame. There would follow a couple of days of frantically checking my phone, waiting for a reply which I’m 99.9% sure would never come. When the realisation that she’s not getting back to me finally kicks in, the guilt and shame would be replaced by an overwhelming sense of abandonment and rejection, and all the progress I’ve made the last few months in coming to terms with finishing with her would be lost. That would lead to further shame and guilt and before I know what’s going on, I’d be caught in a severe downward spiral. And for what? All because I couldn’t resist the urge to do something I know I simply am not entitled to do? Another note to self………………DO NOT CONTACT THERAPIST.

Two days of back to reality. Just two days and this is where I am. It doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. But I’m not going to give up. I’m going to keep taking the drugs, however much I don’t want to. I’m not going to contact Therapist. I’m going to keep doing yoga and running. I’m going to keep writing. I’ll be ok.

Are you convinced? Because I’m not sure I am………..




This article has 2 Comments

  1. Aww, big hugs and calorie free (yet tasty) chocolate.

    I guess, while you can’t know that you’ll be alright if you stick to the plan, you can be sure that you wont be alright if you don’t. Which isn’t as reassuring as I’d like to be, but it does emphasise that you’re right that you need to stick to the plan (as irritating / hard work as that must surely be at times).

    I do wonder sometimes, I understand that you had to finish your relationship with Therapist for obvious reasons, but did the hospital people really say that you can’t see anyone else as an interim measure in the meantime while they work through their (surely budget induced) waiting list – or is that black and white thinking on your part? Just asking. Because surely it’s madness.

    1. 🙂 I’m all over the calories these days. You’re right, I do need to stick to the plan, and I will, although at times it’s almost unbearable. I have an abbreviated version of this post saved on my phone so I can remind myself when temptation comes knocking. Of course, that does rely on me having the wherewithal to remember the note is there in the first place, and then actually go and read it…….

      As for the hospital, no, not black and white thinking on my part – for once! I get to check in with the psychologist every 6 weeks or so, psychiatrist every two months or so and that’s it. I think the idea is that were I to start working with someone else, I would end up either transferring all my attachment issues to them, or else refusing to engage at all because no one could possibly be as good as her (in my perception). There’s also the issue of different forms of therapy possibly confusing me even more than I already am, so for now it’s hang tight and hope and pray there’s a place for me in March. It’s not so much a waiting list issue as that it’s a year long programme – group work is a big part of it, and March is the next intake. If it doesn’t come through at that stage though I’ll be pushing to see someone else, because managing all this on my own is taking sooooo much of my energy it’s just not funny any more.
      Thanks so much for checking in xx

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