I did it. I made it through the most challenging day I’ve had in a while (or at least the most challenging day that I knew of in advance) and I only cried once. Ok, I nearly cried at least a further 5 times but I managed to keep it together. Two medical appointments, two meetings with HR, one new boss, and lunch with my long suffering Hubby somewhere in the middle.
Hubby is an incredibly brave man, possibly to the point of foolhardy. He gently reminded me today that I need to work on accepting my current situation as it is, and stop being angry about it. I say brave and foolhardy because given the mood I was in, he could have found himself taking the brunt of said anger. But, somewhere in the back of my mind a tiny little voice was saying – ‘he’s right you know’. And I think that’s why I was so frustrated. He is right. I do need to work on acceptance. I am absolutely spoiling for a fight right now, the last few weeks have been really tough and have knocked me back a lot. I’m swinging between trying for mindful acceptance of what’s been happening, and not at the same time feeling like a complete doormat for letting it all happen. It seems like a very fine line, and a slightly blurry one at that. When does acceptance move into just taking everything that’s thrown at you? I’ve no answer to that question, at least not right now.
So why am I so angry? I think I feel foolish. There’s been a whole lot of chaos around my return to work, for many and varying reasons, and I’m struggling not to take it personally, despite many assurances from many people that it’s not personal. I hate that I’ve allowed said chaos to impact on me so badly, that I’ve allowed myself to feel like I’m less of a person because of what’s been going on, and right now I believe that I’m someone who needs to be mollycoddled, ‘managed’, someone who’s not all that capable. Someone weak. It’s been very hard to override Bitchface and not believe that this all comes down to the fact that I have depression, because so far I mostly believe that a ‘normal’ person would have handled this a whole lot better. I’m working on this. I have to, because this is the kind of skewed thinking that can very quickly lead to nastiness. The flags are all still there in the background – not wanting to take meds, questioning counselling, lack of motivation, lack of self belief, using distraction rather than dealing with how I feel – so I need to up the ante for the next while. I don’t want to. So that’s where I have to start. I have to want to bring myself away from the edge that I find myself at, because every step closer I go makes the journey back that much longer and more arduous. The difficult part is it’s so much easier to give in. But I can’t. I can’t.