So as I write this I’m a big messy head of snot and tears. Today was tough going. I know why but I’m not sure I either can or want to put it in writing because it seems so trivial. Fuck it, this is about honesty, right? Well my old friend transference is rearing it’s head in a big way again and I am beyond freaked out at how it’s making me feel. There’s a hefty dose of anxiety going on here as well, the two generally go hand in hand, but today has been spectacular. Poor Hubby just sat through a 45 minute sobfest, and I know he said lots of sensible things but I was too busy crying to be able to take most of it in. He might have mentioned the need for acceptance about certain things. I know he said that what I’m feeling is normal, or as he lovingly put it, ‘normal on the scale of crazy’ (it’s ok, he’s allowed to say things like that, he puts up with a lot). But it just sucks beyond belief, and I feel truly horrible right now. I would give anything to be able to just shut the monologue up, just for a little while. Even sleep isn’t an escape at the moment because thanks to massive anxiety levels, I’m having absolutely crazy dreams. I know it will pass. I know I’ll feel better soon. But I don’t care because right now, in this moment, it’s so nasty in my head.
Hubby has just retreated to the safety of bed, but before he went he said something really lovely – that I’m as much of an inspiration to him now as I was six months ago. I wish I could believe that. I don’t feel inspiring. I just feel like a big heap of crazy with exceptionally puffy eyes and bad hair. On the plus side, I’ve finally stopped crying. For now at least. Tomorrow is another day. Again. I’m still hanging on.