Again, the words won’t come. I need to write, I need to make sense of what’s in my head, but I can’t find where to start (this is my third attempt). It’s been a difficult week, low mood exacerbated by horrendous headaches since starting the new medication (if there’s a nasty side effect, I’ll find it). I’ve regularly been almost completely overwhelmed by a need to contact Therapist, although so far I’ve managed not to. I can’t describe how I feel. I’m questioning everything. Lots of lovely people have been in touch on facebook and here, but I haven’t been able to respond to them, I don’t know what to say. I feel bad about that. I thought about taking a break from writing, but I think that would be a further slip and not one I can afford to make. The self critical loop of negativity that’s going round my head at the moment is really hard to listen to, but almost impossible to ignore.

My homework from Therapist this week is to notice what I say when I’m being self critical, and write it down. My god is it nasty. I say things to myself, about myself, that I would never in a million years say to someone else. I’m feeling pretty paranoid – I’m extremely conscious that I have no way of knowing who reads the blog, and find myself increasingly nervous that there may be people I work with seeing this. It’s not so much that I mind people knowing, rather that I don’t know that they know. I’m afraid of being treated differently, or tiptoed around. I’d rather know who knows. Do you know what’s ridiculous though? I know for sure the girls I share an office with know, but to you think I can admit to them that I’m not doing great? No chance. I’m scared of how they’d react. That’s not fair on any of us. I wonder if it was any other illness would I be so reluctant to say something? Probably not. I’m simultaneously scared of stigma while doing a good job of reinforcing it. Oh the glorious irony!!

I realise a lot of this is down to how I feel today, but it’s how I’ve felt for the last week now and it’s not showing any sign of lifting soon. So, I need to just ride it out. It’s the weekend, and we have no plans. I can’t tell yet if that’s a good thing, maybe I’d be better off to keep busy. But I know stress wouldn’t be helpful now. So I guess I’m going to just potter and see where the day takes me. I hope next time I write I’ve something more positive to say.

This article has 2 Comments

  1. Have you read Sane new world by Ruby Wax? I read it this week and boy did I recognise what she said, especially about the voices… There are some corny jokes, but between the lines se gets me trying mindfullness again. Which resulted in mindfull baking ( carrotcake, lemon raspberry cake and brownies, 35 portions for 2.5 persons) but it also helped me through my second panic attack this month, which I faced head on this time, i talked about it with a friend at work, calmed down, devised a plan, and set to work getting help on the reason for my panic. Oh and i again found, I'm not the centre of the universe..which makes me feel responsible for everything…
    Some of my collegues know and most of them are really helpful, either looking out for me or treating me as normal when I walk around with red eyes and corners of my mouth down on my knees. All a more considerate than I expected, so perhaps you'll be surprised about yours.
    Bake more cake, light the fire, cuddle the little ones, have some cake and please, please, be kind to yourself, no one else can do that for you!

    Annemiek
    (Think I'll reward my collegues on monday for being good 🙂 )

    1. Thanks Annemiek. I keep meaning to get hold of that book – have you seen http://blackdogtribe.com/ ? It's an organisation she set up, they're on facebook as well, some really interesting stuff there.
      So glad to hear work are supportive of you. I'm not long in post and pretty apprehensive as it's a big department and I just don't know people well enough to know what to expect. It'll have to be talked about at some stage I guess!
      AS for my weekend – there was cake, walks, cuddles and fires – all good. Feeling much brighter this evening. Hope you're well x

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