There’s a fine line to be maintained in managing depression, at least for me there is. There are the things that I know I have to do to stay well – eat a good diet, get enough sleep, exercise, socialise, take medication, take time to myself. But, too much or too little of any of these can easily push me over to the other side of that line, back into the danger zone. So how do I know if I’m doing enough, or not enough, or too much?
Right now, two things are in the balance, work and exercise. I’m back at work, and despite my rocky start, am glad to be back to normality. But, I find myself in a post that’s the polar opposite if the role I left, so I’ve gone from unmanageable, ridiculous levels of busy, to equally ridiculous levels of quiet, and honestly, it’s messing with my head. When I was at my worst, all I could do was sit and stare, unable to motivate myself to do anything no matter how much I tried to persuade myself. Now, I’m past that. I want to engage, I want to be busy. Yet I’m here at work with so little to do that I’m finding myself lapsing back into sitting and staring simply by virtue of circumstance, and it’s bringing me down. Therapist is away at the moment, and I saw someone in her place last week – he agreed that this is almost as bad for me as the too much extreme. I need to be occupied, I need to be active. I still have to work to keep my motivation up for whatever it is I’m doing, work or otherwise, but to try and keep my motivation up when there’s nothing to do? Now that’s a serious challenge, and one that I’m neither enjoying, nor doing particularly well.
Exercise. I need to fit it in. Last year, I used to either get up really early and practice yoga, or wait till the kids were in bed and walk, or both. Right now, my youngest is being a tad tyrannical at bedtime so exercise after they’re in bed is challenging, plus I’m generally tired after the days (non) work and not inclined to do anything. The last couple of mornings I’ve gone back to getting up early so I can get a walk or run in before everyone else is up, and I’ve really enjoyed it. But there’s a downside in that I’m cutting out sleep time. How do I find a balance? Tiredness is tough for everyone, and for me, it’s a major trigger in things going from good to just ok to bad very quickly. Yet regular exercise increases energy, so………..
So I’m confused, and not particularly happy today. I feel like I want to go forward, but I’m being blocked. It’s frustrating. I’m trying to see the positive in this, I really am, although I know it may not sound like that today. I’m grateful to have a job, grateful that I’m not under pressure, but equally, I know that this isn’t a healthy situation for me. My outlook is cloudy today, my head is fuzzy. Today I have to work to remind myself that I’m ok, and I’m really irritated with myself for not being able to just relax and enjoy the nothing. I’m also very sorry for moaning, but that’s what’s in my head today. Fun, eh?