There’s a fine line to be maintained in managing depression, at least for me there is. There are the things that I know I have to do to stay well – eat a good diet, get enough sleep, exercise, socialise, take medication, take time to myself. But, too much or too little of any of these can easily push me over to the other side of that line, back into the danger zone. So how do I know if I’m doing enough, or not enough, or too much?

Right now, two things are in the balance, work and exercise. I’m back at work, and despite my rocky start, am glad to be back to normality. But, I find myself in a post that’s the polar opposite if the role I left, so I’ve gone from unmanageable, ridiculous levels of busy, to equally ridiculous levels of quiet, and honestly, it’s messing with my head. When I was at my worst, all I could do was sit and stare, unable to motivate myself to do anything no matter how much I tried to persuade myself. Now, I’m past that. I want to engage, I want to be busy. Yet I’m here at work with so little to do that I’m finding myself lapsing back into sitting and staring simply by virtue of circumstance, and it’s bringing me down. Therapist is away at the moment, and I saw someone in her place last week – he agreed that this is almost as bad for me as the too much extreme. I need to be occupied, I need to be active. I still have to work to keep my motivation up for whatever it is I’m doing, work or otherwise, but to try and keep my motivation up when there’s nothing to do? Now that’s a serious challenge, and one that I’m neither enjoying, nor doing particularly well.

Exercise. I need to fit it in. Last year, I used to either get up really early and practice yoga, or wait till the kids were in bed and walk, or both. Right now, my youngest is being a tad tyrannical at bedtime so exercise after they’re in bed is challenging, plus I’m generally tired after the days (non) work and not inclined to do anything. The last couple of mornings I’ve gone back to getting up early so I can get a walk or run in before everyone else is up, and I’ve really enjoyed it. But there’s a downside in that I’m cutting out sleep time. How do I find a balance? Tiredness is tough for everyone, and for me, it’s a major trigger in things going from good to just ok to bad very quickly. Yet regular exercise increases energy, so………..

So I’m confused, and not particularly happy today. I feel like I want to go forward, but I’m being blocked. It’s frustrating. I’m trying to see the positive in this, I really am, although I know it may not sound like that today. I’m grateful to have a job, grateful that I’m not under pressure, but equally, I know that this isn’t a healthy situation for me. My outlook is cloudy today, my head is fuzzy. Today I have to work to remind myself that I’m ok, and I’m really irritated with myself for not being able to just relax and enjoy the nothing. I’m also very sorry for moaning, but that’s what’s in my head today. Fun, eh?

This article has 4 Comments

  1. Reading this particular post, I feel that the 'being blocked' that you talk about is something that arises in all shapes and forms for most people in a roller-coastery fashion as they wend their way through the life-cycle. It can be hugely frustrating but very often is down to the fact that we have people we love who need us and we just aren't free to 'do our own thing whenever we want.
    Is it about 'enjoying the nothing?' Or is it about enjoying 'not being an island' and accepting that the price of loving and being loved inevitably means 'being blocked' from what we would do if we were 'free.'
    I hope you read this as I intend it. It's not meant as a lecture, rather a response to what jumped out of your post at me!

    1. Nothing like a lecture! Response is much appreciated, as always. I think the feeling of being blocked is coming more from work at the moment, and my sense of frustration at wanting to be involved more, doing more, and not being able to accept the gift that is this lull. I'm moving to another new post in September, god only knows where, so I need to see this time as my reprieve from all that's come before, work wise at least. At home? Very happy not to be an island. Most of the time!! 😉

    2. The sociologist in me is thinking here about all those theories of work and how we sell our labour for a wage. Job satisfaction seems to be relatively rare, especially in these recessionary days. I doubt there's many who don't feel 'blocked' in some shape or form by their work situations. I always feel that that's one of the great things about a personal blog ~ the freedom to write and not be beholden to anyone once one stays within ethical and legal boundaries.

    3. Absolutely – this blog has given me a huge sense of achievement, and like you say, the freedom to write is wonderful. For me, I need to work to remember that work is only one very small part of my life, that there's a whole lot more to me than that. Sometimes I forget. Writing helps me remember!

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