Today was one of those days that turned out completely different to what I had expected, in a whole world of good ways. I went into Eden this morning determined that it was going to be my last time attending the group. I’ve found the last couple of weeks of the programme really challenging, and have come up against a couple of things that I would typically run a mile from, chief among them being conflict. I had a whole host of reasons prepared as to why I wouldn’t bother seeing the course out – I don’t need to put myself in that position, I have enough to contend with. I’ve gotten nothing out of the programme anyway. I don’t need to be there, I don’t need that kind of support. And on and on I went.
Except here’s the thing. I do need to put myself in that position. Everything that happens in the group space is a microcosm of what happens out in the real world, but the difference is that in the group it’s a safe space to try and work with those challenges. I absolutely did not want to. I have many, many different (flawed) coping mechanisms, but top of the list are avoidance and running away, which is precisely what I would have been doing if I didn’t finish the programme. I’ve gotten nothing out of Eden? Blatantly not true. WRAP is a prime example, and what I’m coming to realise is that I’ll need to come back to pretty much every topic we’ve covered, because I’ve barely considered any of it at any depth. Eden is coming to an end and I find endings of the permanent variety almost impossible to handle. It was this day last year that I finished with Therapist 1.0, and finished far too suddenly, by choice, because I could not bear the thought of having it hanging over me. Leaving Eden now would be doing exactly the same thing – cut it off on my terms, before I have no choice but to go. It didn’t serve me well then, and it won’t do now. I’m also wondering if my many and varying reasons as to why I haven’t had time to write the last few months are avoidance as well. I’m slowly, painfully slowly, coming to realise how much of this work has to be done by me, and me alone. Or in fact, how all of it has to be done by me. I can be supported in doing the work, but I’m the only one who can make the changes. If I run away from the group or run away from my writing the same way I ran away from Therapist 1.0, I will never be able to make those changes.
So, I can continue on as I have been – hiding, running away, avoiding, trapped in the same thought processes that I’ve had for years, the ones that have led to nothing but trouble. Or I can start to embrace the huge, huge chances I’ve been given, both with Therapist 2.0 and Eden. Nobody said it was going to be easy, in fact, quite a few people said the exact opposite. I finally get that, and I’m ready to accept it. Time to start moving on.