My primary motivating factor for pretty much everything right now, good, bad or indifferent, is guilt. It doesn’t feel fantastic. I’m to see my psychiatrist this morning, and the very fact that I’ve to go in there and tell her yet again that things aren’t great makes me feel beyond ridiculous. How can I still be in this position? How can I still not have a handle on things?
All I want is to be left alone, with no demands being made of me. So basically, all I want is the impossible. Last night I was prepared to go in today and beg to be admitted because it’s the only way I can see of getting through this mess with minimum impact on those around me. Obviously that’s not going to happen, so instead I have to find a way to make things work. So far, that’s where guilt has come in. It’s guilt that makes me get up and keep going every day.
I am irritating the hell out of myself. I want to give myself a root up the arse and just snap out of it, but I can’t. I feel like I’m not doing enough, not trying hard enough. I had all these lofty plans of yoga and running……..so far yoga has happened once this week, running not at all. It’s taking such monumental effort to make myself do anything. In my more rational moments I know that’s symptomatic of depression, but right now, when I’m in the depths of it, I can’t see that. All I can see is that I’m being lazy and not trying hard enough. How can this not be better yet?? I’m taking a significant amount of fairly hardcore drugs. Ok, there’s no talk therapy, but even if I had access to a therapist, what would I say right now? What could I possibly say that hasn’t been said a thousand times before?