My primary motivating factor for pretty much everything right now, good, bad or indifferent, is guilt. It doesn’t feel fantastic. I’m to see my psychiatrist this morning, and the very fact that I’ve to go in there and tell her yet again that things aren’t great makes me feel beyond ridiculous. How can I still be in this position? How can I still not have a handle on things?

All I want is to be left alone, with no demands being made of me. So basically, all I want is the impossible. Last night I was prepared to go in today and beg to be admitted because it’s the only way I can see of getting through this mess with minimum impact on those around me. Obviously that’s not going to happen, so instead I have to find a way to make things work. So far, that’s where guilt has come in. It’s guilt that makes me get up and keep going every day.

I am irritating the hell out of myself. I want to give myself a root up the arse and just snap out of it, but I can’t. I feel like I’m not doing enough, not trying hard enough. I had all these lofty plans of yoga and running……..so far yoga has happened once this week, running not at all. It’s taking such monumental effort to make myself do anything. In my more rational moments I know that’s symptomatic of depression, but right now, when I’m in the depths of it, I can’t see that. All I can see is that I’m being lazy and not trying hard enough. How can this not be better yet?? I’m taking a significant amount of fairly hardcore drugs. Ok, there’s no talk therapy, but even if I had access to a therapist, what would I say right now? What could I possibly say that hasn’t been said a thousand times before?

 

This article has 4 Comments

  1. Feeling for you at the moment. Hope the appointment goes well. Keep looking after yourself and it will lift sometime. I seem to be having two days bad, one day good on and off at the moment. Struggling with the guilt and stress of being completely unproductive at work and at home. Partner getting up with 10 month old every morning an I feel guilty for the two hours I miss with him before work. I have no idea what is different on the days when my head clears. I feel grateful for the breaks I do get but wish I could find the switch for myself. Is it sunny in the west today? Does a blue sky help?

    1. Sun is out today, haven’t seen it for a bit. The actual sun as opposed to the metaphorical one!!! I’m the same, my mood lifts and it’s great, but I never know what will send me spiralling again. Hope you’re doing ok, the guilt is so, so hard to handle.

  2. Ouch. Big hugs. And a gentle reminder that just as you couldn’t snap out of having a broken leg, you can’t snap out of depression. It’s not your fault. Neither is BPD. You have been doing amazingly well considering, unfortunately for you though you live in a society and time where the resources to help you are severely limited. That sucks and I wish it wasn’t so. Fortunately for you, you have great family and friends to take the pressure off a little bit. I wish I could fix it all by finding the right words to type. Tell Bitchface to do one from me. Actually, scrub that, give Bitchface a big hug from me cos she’s a scared little girl right now who’s desperately trying to do the right thing cos she’s so worried about you.

    1. Thanks so much. You could be right about Bitchface, unfortunately she’s just going about it all wrong. Things are looking up the last couple of days though, so hoping for a reprieve for a bit. x

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