So this evening was interesting. I’ve had a really lovely day – a nice relaxing time with hubby and the kids this morning splashing about in the local park, then an afternoon with a good friend wandering around a beautiful garden. Form has been good.
But, following the smallest, most innocuous little incident this evening, I found myself in freefall. I think my biggest source of anxiety at the moment is going back to work, although I’ve been reasonably successfully managing not to think about it. But, clearly the anxiety is still lurking away in the background, so this evening it saw an opportunity and hopped on it. It still catches me by surprise how quickly my mind can turn on me and how the old pattern of thinking can come to the fore. Straight away, I was making ridiculous decisions. Number one – I was going to march down to my GP first thing and get him to sign me off to go back to work immediately and full time. Two – no more Therapist. Three – no more meds. And there, backing it all up, was Bitchface – ‘there’s nothing wrong with me a good kick up the arse wouldn’t resolve’
Thankfully, before I had the chance to act on any of these decisions, Hubby spotted the signs, gave me a hug and the floodgates opened. I suddenly felt so tired, so worn down. I hate that I can’t always trust myself. I’m banned, and rightfully so, from acting on any decisions I make when I’m in that frame of mind. I wish that my mind would just work like everyone else’s, but it doesn’t. I know this. I know I’m prone to times when what seems like the most rational decision in the world is in actual fact just about the worst thing I could do. So I have to learn to temper it.
I’m trying to take some positives from this evening’s mini-meltdown. I suppose the biggest thing is that I knew I wasn’t thinking rationally, and I knew what had triggered it. Also, I got from meltdown to tears to starting to feel better relatively quickly, a process which just a few months ago could have taken weeks. Big positive. And I can’t fight it, I can’t ignore it. There’s no point. I’ve been ignoring the anxiety, but it found a way out. So I’m back to working on acceptance, for where I’m at and ultimately, for everything that I am, including the bits I don’t want.