So this evening was interesting. I’ve had a really lovely day – a nice relaxing time with hubby and the kids this morning splashing about in the local park, then an afternoon with a good friend wandering around a beautiful garden. Form has been good.

But, following the smallest, most innocuous little incident this evening, I found myself in freefall. I think my biggest source of anxiety at the moment is going back to work, although I’ve been reasonably successfully managing not to think about it. But, clearly the anxiety is still lurking away in the background, so this evening it saw an opportunity and hopped on it. It still catches me by surprise how quickly my mind can turn on me and how the old pattern of thinking can come to the fore. Straight away, I was making ridiculous decisions. Number one – I was going to march down to my GP first thing and get him to sign me off to go back to work immediately and full time. Two – no more Therapist. Three – no more meds. And there, backing it all up, was Bitchface – ‘there’s nothing wrong with me a good kick up the arse wouldn’t resolve’

Thankfully, before I had the chance to act on any of these decisions, Hubby spotted the signs, gave me a hug and the floodgates opened. I suddenly felt so tired, so worn down. I hate that I can’t always trust myself. I’m banned, and rightfully so, from acting on any decisions I make when I’m in that frame of mind. I wish that my mind would just work like everyone else’s, but it doesn’t. I know this. I know I’m prone to times when what seems like the most rational decision in the world is in actual fact just about the worst thing I could do. So I have to learn to temper it.

I’m trying to take some positives from this evening’s mini-meltdown. I suppose the biggest thing is that I knew I wasn’t thinking rationally, and I knew what had triggered it. Also, I got from meltdown to tears to starting to feel better relatively quickly, a process which just a few months ago could have taken weeks. Big positive. And I can’t fight it, I can’t ignore it. There’s no point. I’ve been ignoring the anxiety, but it found a way out. So I’m back to working on acceptance, for where I’m at and ultimately, for everything that I am, including the bits I don’t want.

This article has 6 Comments

  1. hi fiona, have no idea whats going on today either. I love the rain on bad days as I find it so soothing, but today I have been in that 'never neverland' place that I havent experienced in quite a while. Had to take other med to deter the panic that follows the anxiety. cool and calm now, think you a blessed with a husband that not alone understands but loves you enough to handle 'it'. On a lighter note I should add that I enjoy rain at the best of times!! remember what I said, dont run before you can walk. take care, talk soon, we can only hope tomorrow is easier x

    1. 🙂 thank you. Things are brighter today. Had a good cry last night, followed by a decent night's sleep. Feeling reasonably motivated right now, so going to enjoy it and take advantage of it while I can!
      Hope things seem better for you today as well and you get a break from anxiety.
      Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment, much appreciated.

  2. Fiona don't underestimate the stress of returning to a new place of work it's bound to cause a few mini melt clowns till you get there and settle. I am convinced that its going to work out well for you! You have gone through enough and deserve a big break x

    1. Thanks Emer. I don't think it's so much that I'm under-estimating the stress, rather I'm trying hard not to spend too much time over-estimating it!! I know it'll work out fine, just need to keep remembering that. Will be good to know I have allies close by 😉

  3. Absolutely love your description of how you can't trust your own judgement when in that frame of mind – there are many worst parts of depression but sometimes that does feel like the absolute worst. Thanks so much for sharing!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *