My ability to write is extremely hampered at the moment. The last few weeks have been hard – I’ve been at times emotional, at times numb, at times incredibly angry and frustrated – and my ability to focus and concentrate has been severely effected by this. I’ve had to speak to both my bosses (I work between two departments so had the joy of telling two managers what’s going on with me) because my productivity is poor. Both reacted very differently, but both got the same message – if you want me to do something, please be explicit about it, preferably put it in writing because my memory is shot as well. Expect that it will take me longer than usual, and longer than you might like, and I’ll let you know if things get any worse. So far so good.
Thankfully this week I’m starting to feel better. While I’m still lacking focus and concentration, I feel more energetic although emotionally I don’t know where I am. I know I need to write because that’s what helps me to work things out, but I’ve been reluctant to. Partly because it’s so difficult to form a coherent thought at the moment, and partly because I’m so tired of going over the same ground again and again. It bores and frustrates me to be thinking it, and I don’t want to pass that boredom and frustration on to you. I mentioned this to Therapist yesterday, and (as usual) she made a valid point – maybe there are people reading this who will empathise and understand how things are. I don’t know, maybe you’ll even feel reassured by my wandering in circles. When I started this, I wanted to be 100% honest about the whole experience. And part of it, unfortunately, is circling, back tracking, losing my way, hitting obstacles and finding my way forward again. And again. So while this may all be starting to sound very familiar to you, that’s the way it is for me. Two steps forward, one back, then maybe one sideways for good measure.
|Unfortunately I need to try all of these routes to find the right one|
Living with and learning to manage depression will never be a straight forward, linear journey. I do feel like I’m getting somewhere, but it’s going so incredibly slowly, and has been going on for the longest time. I don’t do well with uncertainty. I don’t do well with wait and see. But that’s how it is.