I’ve got my mammy mojo back!! I’ve had two whole days at home just me and the kids. We’ve had flashes of temper from both, minefields of he said/she said to be negotiated, arguments over who gets to cast spells on who, badly timed games of blind mans buff ended swiftly by collisions with the corner of the table…………..and it’s been great 🙂 I’ve (for the most part) been calm. Yesterday I was definitely on edge, but today felt much easier. I should probably admit at this point that I did only have one for a significant portion of the day as D was off at a friend’s house for a while, but it was the more tempestuous one who stayed home (and gave me a spectacular demonstration of said temper). Did I lose it?? No, I did not!

What’s really helping in all of this is that finally I’m starting to feel better in myself. I’m three weeks into the new meds tomorrow, and there’s no doubt they’re having an effect. The extreme spikes in mood that I’ve been getting the last couple of months, the intense anger and lows, they’ve levelled out a lot. Of course, I haven’t been at work a whole lot either which is certainly playing a part – the pressure of timetables and routine has been lifted completely and that’s making a huge difference. I sat down on Saturday morning, planned food for the week, shopped accordingly and have actually stuck with it. That NEVER happens, no matter how hard I try. My diet is better. I’m feeling more inclined to look after myself. I’m more than just managing being at home with the kids, I’m enjoying it.

Who knew you could have so much fun with a pile of cushions and a dress up box?

The last two evenings were lovely. Normally we come in from work some time between 5.30 and 6, tired, frazzled, and with equally tired kids. The house is usually cold, and unless we’ve been fantastically organised in the morning, remnants of breakfast are still lurking and the dishwasher needs unloading. There will have been little opportunity during the day to just slow down. The kids want our attention, we badly need a few minutes of peace and in general, there’s little opportunity for either in the rush to get us all fed by a decent hour. As we’re up early the kids need to be in bed by 7.30, so there’s usually very little by way of play time on a weeknight. On a normal week, I’m home late Monday as I see Therapist after work, and Tuesdays and Wednesdays, we need to do a swift turnaround, being fed and back out for D’s beavers and football at 6. By Thursday evening we’re hanging and Friday is best left unmentioned.

The last two days? Bliss. Hubby came home, and thanks to the aforementioned food planning, I’ve had dinner ready. The kids have been relaxed, as have I, and this has made things easier on Hubby as well. Having spent the day with them, I feel so much more connected and in tune with the kids, and I noticed this evening, didn’t feel remotely guilty about sitting down in front of the laptop for a few minutes – before (gasp!!!) bedtime. We’ve had time during the day to chat, play, test the boundaries and generally just potter. It’s been great.

Would things be like this all the time if this was my reality? I don’t know. Right now, I would give anything to be able to walk away from work, and for this to be how things are full time. I feel like this is just a tiny glimpse of everything that I’ve been missing. As it is, I have a few more days and then it’s back to work and routine. I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m hoping that this new found calm that I have will carry forward, and while I know it will be challenging, hopefully I won’t find it quite the struggle it has been in recent months.

In the meantime, I have a few more days to enjoy little things like this:

I want to make it count. And after I go back to work? Well there are two bank holidays coming up, and summer’s getting closer. I’ve booked 7 weeks off so the kids can have a proper break from school and creche, and we can have som fun at home. And now, for the first time in quite a while, I’m not only thinking that we’ll manage ok, but that we’ll actually enjoy it. I’m a Mam again. That’s a big, big win, and one that makes me very happy this evening. Long may it last!

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