It’s been a while since I read over my traffic lights post, but given how I’ve been feeling the last couple of days it seemed worth taking a look. I’ve moved into yellow, for sure, and am headed for orange. This has come on really suddenly, although perhaps given all that’s been going on the last month or so it’s not that surprising. I don’t use this word lightly, but today, for the first time in a while, I feel depressed – properly, in the clinical sense of the word, depressed. I’m anxious, on edge, flitty, concentration is shot and generally not feeling good. When I went to pick the kids up at school today I found myself hanging back to avoid talking to anyone. Sometimes when I’m low, I have a strange way of looking around me – I keep my head down, and my just move my eyes (makes it easier to avoid eye contact) I’ve been doing quite a lot of this as well. I went for a walk earlier and didn’t want to take photos. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told the kids to be careful of (insert whatever).
Right now? Right now I’m home alone, Hubby and the kids have gone to beavers, and yet I feel massively under pressure to be doing something. I couldn’t tell you what that something is, but the fact that I’m not doing it has me tied up in knots. My stomach is churning.
I haven’t mentioned yet that I have another interview this week, on the same day as an oral Irish exam for a potential third interview. Right now, I don’t want to go through with either of them, and I’ve no doubt that is contributing to my current frame of mind. My confidence is shot. Try and all as I might not to take last week’s unsuccessful interview personally, that’s precisely what has happened. Having two pressure situations like that on one day is really not helping, although at least I’ll get it over with in one fell swoop. Just to add insult to injury that day will be one month exactly since I last saw Therapist.
I’m losing perspective. Situations like this are exactly what I needed Therapist for, and today I’ve really felt like I need to talk to someone other than a friend. I contemplated making contact with a support service, but then I keep remembering that the psychologist and psychiatrist were adamant that I manage on my own. That seems like an impossible demand at the moment. That said, I know that I’ll do it. I know I’ll go in there on Thursday and give the interview my absolute best shot, same with the exam. It’s the fallout that I’m worried about. Last week was a nightmare, and it’s taken a huge amount of effort and energy to move on from that. Am I lining myself up for the same again this week? I get the rationale of taking a break between therapies, I really do, but at what cost? The amount of effort it’s taking to keep myself functioning – at home, at work, in life in general, is exhausting. How long can I be expected to keep that up before the wheels come off?