It’s been weeks since I’ve written anything – partly because I’ve felt really stable, partly because there’s been a whole lot of other stuff going on and writing has just had to take a back seat. This morning, I can’t afford to leave it in the back seat because the activity of the last three weeks is most definitely catching up with me.

The potted version includes:

  • getting the kids back to school and getting us all back into some class of a routine
  • giving a talk with Bressie and the massive amount of emotional energy involved in both getting myself ready and doing the actual talk, never mind the physical energy of getting myself there and back and through the whole thing (on the week that school started back)
  • a whirlwind trip to Dublin last week to be interviewed as part of a new documentary airing on RTE at some stage over the next few months, again, with massive physical and emotional energy expenditure
  • My daughter’s birthday yesterday – nothing fancy, a trip for 3 smallies to the cinema and home for chips and cake but as I was already running on fumes yesterday it was exhausting. Sugar fuelled 6 year old girls talk non-stop, all at the same time, for hours
  • getting a couple of articles done for Newstalk
  • And, let’s not forget – meeting my psychiatrist last week and deciding to start reducing one of my meds. Just by a small amount, and only one of them, but it’s the one that helps me sleep and stabilises my mood so……..

So yeah. That’s what I’ve been at. My brain feels like it’s going to explode. I’m very, very tired. I haven’t had enough sleep for at least 4 nights now, and I’ve been so exhausted going to bed that I’ve neglected to do any of my new night time routine. Short term gain, long term pain – my sleep has most definitely been affected. Today, I’m aware of being extremely tired and on a very short fuse, and I do not want to do anything of my list of stuff that helps. I’m feeling guilty because of the time it will invariably take to put myself back together, and I’m coming up with every reason under the sun not to do it. The irony of course is that they’re the very same reasons why I absolutely have to do my bits.

I’ve been doing so well the last few weeks I had forgotten how quickly the wheels can fall off. The wheels are most definitely loose right now. I can ignore that fact, and push on, or I can accept that I have got to pull back, immediately, and up the ante on self compassion, selfish and all as that currently feels.

After I’m finished writing, I’m going to do some yoga. Then I’m going to potter about the house and straighten out some of the chaos that has taken over the last few days. This afternoon, I’m off to do a local colourdash fundraiser with my boy, after which it’ll be home, shower, down tools, bed early. This week will be right back to basics before I go ahead and undo months of work and effort.

This article has 1 Comment

  1. You’re a mighty woman. Thank you for your insights into BPD, they help me big time in learning to understand the needs and pressures that my friend as to deal with, so I can relate to her better. Peace and love, B.

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