I’m up in Leixlip for a few days – having had our own family Christmas in Galway, we moved on the rounds 2 and 3 up here with the inlaws and my family. It’s been so, so good to be home. We don’t get to come up here as often as we did BC (before children), and I miss that. I miss having time with my family, and the way my Mam looks after us so well (despite my best efforts her roast potatoes are still the best in the world and I’m beginning to suspect she thinks I don’t feed Hubby at all). That said, I often find it quite stressful here – the kids are out of their routine, we’re between two houses as our respective families live just a few miles apart, I want to spend time with mine, Hubby wants to spend time with his, the kids want both and I always feel like I haven’t enough time for everyone. We rarely get the opportunity to catch up with old friends, this time is no exception. Everyone is just so busy.
I think that’s what was so lovely about our Christmas at home in Galway, and why I felt so well around it. We just let responsibility go, completely, for a few days. It was absolutely wonderful. My mood had picked up in the build up, I was really looking forward to just being the four of us with no obligations. I had a couple of lovely nights out. But a couple of days ago, I began to see reality on the horizon again. My mood has slipped and I was really emotional yesterday. It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen Therapist and I’m missing her support. I’m due back in work on Thursday, and in the hospital on the 7th to see what, if any, decisions have been made around diagnosis and medication. I don’t want to think about all of this again, but I can’t avoid it.
Myself and Hubby got out for a walk this morning (all by ourselves!!) and had a really good chat. I want 2014 to be the year that I get my demons under control. I’m not making resolutions that I won’t keep, but I’d like to see light at the end of the tunnel. This time last year, things were almost at their worst, and it was only a matter of weeks before hospital. I’m determined that’s not going to happen this year. I want to let go of my reliance on Therapist. I have to work on accepting whatever diagnosis I’m given (or not) next week, and then work with it and move. I want this to be a good year for my family, one where Hubby doesn’t have to be on tenterhooks all the time waiting for my mood to change, and where I can just be. Can I make that happen? Yesterday, I would have said no. Today? Today I think maybe.