In all the excitement (??!) of getting into work yesterday I forgot to take my medication, and I’m paying a high price today. It’s incredible the difference even 12 hours can make with these drugs. At least I’m hoping that’s what it is. The last few weeks haven’t been great but today is different. I feel like I’m in mental and emotional lock down. I’m not myself, at all. I don’t know how to describe it, it’s not the bubble, but it’s definitely not me when I’m well. I’m withdrawn, I want to be alone. My reactions are all over the place. I’ve spent the day trying to remind myself that this will pass, that it’s probably just a drug related blip, but it doesn’t make the feelings any easier to contend with. I am not a particularly nice person to be around when I’m like this, and I’m very conscious of that. Hubby is trying so hard, but every time he tries (very gently I might add) to give me an alternative view, my blood just boils. That’s not fair. It’s this part that often makes me think it would be easier on my family if I weren’t here. That sounds very melodramatic, but it’s not intended to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal or anything like it. But the burden of having someone with depression in the house is immense, there’s no getting away from that, and I can’t help but feel that giving my family a break from me when I’m like this would be the kinder thing to do. Of course the other side of that is that when I’m like this my judgement is completely skewed and I can’t be trusted to make a decision about what I want to eat, never mind what’s best for my family, so that’s not a decision I’m going to make. What I need to do now is just get through the next few days till things balance out again, and try and remember that it is more than likely literally a chemical adjustment that’s causing this. It’s unpleasant, but I’ve had so much worse. As long as I keep myself distracted, I’ll be fine. The thoughts that are foremost in my mind right now are really unhelpful, distraction will help me not listen to them. It’s the weekend, hopefully the weather won’t be too bad and we can just have some fun with the kids. This will pass.

This article has 9 Comments

  1. Fiona, you are a great woman, so honest and honourable. I hope you are distracted this weekend and you are so very right. This WILL pass. Every good wish to you and your family.

  2. Times like this are very difficult – maybe you do need to spend some time alone. I just mean, like go for a walk, something really simple. But I know that getting yourself organised to do even that can seem like climbing a huge mountain sometimes. Seems to me like that is what you are saying – that you need some quiet space and solitude briefly – but, hey, I'm no expert. I go to a little, friendly meditation group and I find solitude, peace and quiet to be very helpful indeed at times. The group is led by a lovely woman in her 70s, she has seen it all! A time to ponder, is what she says to us. Ponder is her favourite word. I have not attended as much as I should recently, because of work commitments and other busy busy busy things. I feel the difference in my mental state – increased anxiety and stress levels, as well as the feeling that it is all coming in on me and I cannot cope with it all. One of the most powerful and effective meditations that she leads is the one that simply focuses on your own breathing. Like Angela says in the message above.

    1. Thanks Merryn, and you're right, quiet is what I needed. I didn't get it alone, but I spent a couple of hours pottering with the kids out in the sun, with no agenda, and it was perfect, just enough to lift me out of myself and quieten my head for a while.
      Ponder is a good word, I like it. Hope work and general busyness eases off for you soon and you can get back to your group, it sounds really helpful for you. x

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