There is so much new learning coming at me at the moment. For the most part, it’s wonderful, and even in the Eden group this morning, this was highlighted for me again. We were talking about anxiety, its signs and symptoms, and how it affects the body. This is exactly what I’ve been covering with Therapist 2.0, and it makes so much sense. There’s a relief in knowing that there’s a physiological reason for the multitude of sensations that go along with anxiety, or anger, or depression, or any of the myriad other emotions we feel.
But, today I’m overwhelmed by it. From the minute I woke up this morning something wasn’t right, and as the morning progressed, I had to work phenomenally hard not to let it spill over into rage (irrational, disproportionate rage).
Maybe it was something I dreamt last night, although what that might have been currently escapes me. Maybe it was just that I was apprehensive about the group today. I guess the reason why doesn’t matter so much as the fact that the anxiety was there, and made everything else really hard to take. I wasn’t able to take a step back from it, because there was no time. I had to get myself ready, get the kids ready, and get into town. For me to be able to step back and at least acknowledge how I’m feeling, I need to have space.
The result of all this anxiety this morning was that I went into my group ready to run at the first sign of trouble, which is hardly ideal. I’m finding the group process really, really hard. I’m not good with groups in general, and I find it really difficult to challenge someone if I don’t agree with them, to the point that usually, rather than confront, I’ll just walk away. Reminiscent of Therapist 1.0 on occasion? Anyway, I spoke to the facilitators ahead of the group this morning, and put it to them that I wasn’t sure either if I was a good fit for the group, or if the group was a good fit for me. They had already picked on my tendency to run (I’m a flee-er, not a fighter), and suggested that I try and stick it out, because the safety of the group is somewhere to work on this. They also gently pointed out that if I don’t confront this tendency, it will continue to follow me throughout my life in any group interaction, be that family, friends, work or otherwise.
So I stayed. And it was really, really hard. The anxiety didn’t abate, despite my best efforts at breathing, and the longer the anxiety lasted, the more agitated I became, I guess because my usual avenue of walking away from it had been closed off. I’m glad I stayed though, because it showed me how much work I have to do on this. It also had my mind absolutely racing, to the point that there were so many ideas floating around my head about things I wanted to write about, remember for therapy, go and do work on, that I was essentially paralysed for a good two hours after I got home because I just didn’t know where to start.
I’ve asked Hubby to bring me home a refill pad, a ring binder, and some dividers. I am going to try and work on putting order on all these thoughts, all these things I need/want/have to do. He’s been trying in vain for years to teach me how to prioritise what needs doing, and of course, because it makes sense, I’ve been resisting with every fibre of my being. I am the queen of self sabotage. But I’m finally starting to realise that I need to take it in hand, because otherwise I will just get hopelessly caught trying to remember everything but ultimately doing virtually nothing.
I bought myself a little notebook on the way home too. It’s going to be my daily to-do list notebook. So now I have three. My therapy homework notebook, my put my thoughts in order binder, and my to do list to try and put some structure on my day. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed any more.