I’m really tired the last few days, and it is having a massive impact on my ability to cope without Therapist. Or maybe not so much cope without her, as cope with the loss of her. I so, so badly want to contact her, but I just can’t. I’m not allowed. That feels so strange, and so wrong. It’s not even that there’s anything I particularly want to talk about, but there were times during sessions when we’d just shoot the shit and she’d really bring me out of myself. I miss that so, so much. I miss being able to laugh with her at the same time as crying, being able to laugh at myself. Life feels so very serious right now.

I get that this will pass, I really do, but getting to that point is going to be incredibly challenging. I think this is why she wanted me to start seeing someone else, to help me over this period. She was really taken aback at the psychologist’s recommendation that I not seek further therapy. Of course if the psychologist had taken the time to call her before she went on holiday………anyway, that’s neither here nor there for now.

It occurred to me earlier that these feeling of loss and sadness tend to blindside me. I’ll be driving, or working, or doing anything else really, and something will trigger it. 99.9% of the time I’ve no clue what that trigger is (although the 0.01% I do know about is all my own fault. Thank you facebook). It’s like walking through tall grass, completely unaware that there are actually nettles all around you. You don’t pay a blind bit of heed to them, but my god if you brush your hand off them do you know about it, and that stingy pain just lingers and lingers. It’s the same with thinking of Therapist. It comes out of nowhere, catches me completely off guard, and then leaves me unsettled for hours afterwards.

I have to be so careful right now. I can’t afford to let myself get overtired, and the sniffle/sore throat combo that’s threatening right now needs to disappear asap, because it’s one thing to manage all this when I’ve got plenty of energy and am feeling well in myself, it’s another thing entirely when my resources are low. I cannot afford to lose perspective.

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  1. I can be going along feeling not to bad then bam a thought comes into my head and despair is on my brink ,nearly no way of controlling the feelings that become nearly all consuming, takes all my effort to bank it down if I am in work or with people, on my own then it’s Niagra Falls. Years of practice constantly feeling one day I might explode and disappear, no more pain.

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