I actually can’t remember if I’ve written about this already, but I don’t have the wherewithal to go looking, so please forgive me if I’m repeating myself. This is what I really, really want to do today:


But I can’t. I don’t feel sad, the problem is I don’t feel anything really, other than a constant low level agitation, fuelled by guilt. I want to be kind to myself, I really do. But I can’t settle because the house is up in a heap, and when I’m agitated that just makes things worse. Yet I’m unable to do anything about it. Small tasks are taking mammoth effort – I just changed a bed and then proceeded to sit on the floor and stare at nothing for a good five minutes because I couldn’t will myself to get the bed linen as far as the washing machine. M is still sick, so we can’t take off for the day, and Hubby is gone with the car for the next few hours anyway. There’s so much I could be doing. But I’m not able.

I have the comfy clothes part down. But whether or not I can feed myself well, and not get really thick with myself for my current state of mind is very much open to debate. I jalked this morning, really slowly, and it was so, so hard. I rather suspect it used up all of my will power for the day. Or maybe it didn’t, maybe I just need to try a little harder. But when I feel like this, the only way I can try harder is by getting angry with myself and giving myself a kick up the arse. Not the best motivational strategy in the world. But better than no motivational strategy?

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