Since my last post, I’ve had 3 days back at work. Thankfully I had annual leave already planned for today so I’m off again. How has it been? Well, I’ve been there! In body at least if not entirely in mind. Yesterday was more challenging, probably a combination of the novelty of being back wearing off, tiredness coming in, being in the more demanding of my two jobs and not having had the space for yoga, writing etc to keep me grounded.

So by last night, I was wiped. And I lost it. Grand evening with the kids (I think, to be honest I can’t particularly remember) but once they went to bed I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and caught me completely off guard, with the end result that I was pretty much powerless to do anything to slow it down. I did try. I knew I was heading for orange, so I took out my mat and tried 3 times to start some yoga. Nothing doing. Then I tried talking to Hubby but mostly just ended up picking fights when he tried to reassure me. Then I decided I was going for a walk. Alone. No, with the dogs. No, alone. Maybe go for a drive. But where? No, sweep the floors. Wash the floors. Make a shopping list…………and so it continued. With the end result that I was pretty much just paralysed in a heap in the middle of the floor, unable to make any sense of the many thoughts running around my head. Eventually I cracked, and cried, and that gave me some relief. The only way out of a hole that deep, for me at least, is either Therapist or sleep. But I can’t exactly go calling her at 9 o’clock of a Thursday night, so I went for sleep. One bonus of an attack like this is that once it passes, I’m absolutely exhausted and can generally just fall into a deep sleep – I’m actually not sure if it’s sleep, or my brain giving up for a few hours because it can’t handle any more turmoil.

Today so far hasn’t been a whole lot better. I was agitated as hell when I woke, and again, felt overwhelmed by the many and varying things I could/should be doing. Eventually (with a little encouragement from Hubby) I decided to run. But then. Then my data signal dropped, so I had no music, and right now, Bitchface is really, really loud. So, when she was busy telling me that I couldn’t do it, I had no way of drowning her out, and as a beginner runner, it takes very little to persuade me to stop. So, home I came, half crying, half fuming and utterly dejected. (I must have looked absolutely ridiculous while I debated all this with myself on the side of the road. Thank christ there were no witnesses. I think.) My phone survived the incident, just.

Since then there have been a spectacular number of ups and downs. I’ve lost count, and I’m worn out. It’s only lunch time. Hubby doesn’t know which way to look. Every time I lose it, I claw back, but it takes nothing to tip me over again. Mostly, it’s just tough going.

So the plan? The plan for today is quite literally take things one minute at a time. It’s the best I can do. Any more than that, any advance planning, is too much and likely to send me into a tailspin. The house is in a gimp, so once we’ve eaten we’ll be tackling that. I can barely keep control of my mind, so I need to take control of my surroundings. For me at least, having some visible calm around me helps me feel more emotionally calm.

So that’s it. Mostly today I’m incredibly volatile, and I honestly have no idea how the rest of the day will pan out. I suspect there will be more bursts of anger, and most likely more tears. But I’m going to try, really, really hard, not to let Bitchface take me to red, and to remember that Hubby is not my enemy. This is not his fault, any more than it is mine. We need to weather it.

This article has 6 Comments

  1. I'm so sorry, and I can relate so well to what you describe. It's what I call feeling "unhinged" – when I feel like I can't find anything to stabilize me, get me to slow down, give me perspective. It feels completely out of control and it's like I'm watching it happen in some out-of-body kind of way. But, it's one minute at a time, as you say. I'm going to start trying to do a few minutes of deep breathing when I feel this coming on – maybe that would help? Hang in there.

    1. I was so sure I had replied to this, I'm so sorry. Unhinged is a perfect way to describe it, the feeling of being cut off and out of control. I've had to resort to medical aid to keep me 'hinged' the last couple of days, so something has to give. Back to my doctor tomorrow. Thanks for the support

  2. Fingers crossed that the weekend gives you chance for some down time to recharge your batteries. You sound like you've been having a fairly manic time inside your head.

    Your post reminded me of something my brain came up with when I managed a run earlier this week that I meant to post. I've tried to explain it now, but no idea if it makes any sense to anyone other than me. (http://aisforanxiety.wordpress.com/2014/03/15/ramblings-on-my-inner-voices/) But thank you for reminding me of it. Even when you're feeling rubbish, you're still inspiring!

    1. Yes!!! You get it!! You totally get bitchface 🙂 I actually picked up that run fat bitch run book and had to put it down again because Grit Doctor reminded me too much of Bitchface and I don't need any more of that in my life. I was talking with Therapist just last week about her, about how she keeps me going (generally) but her methods are all wrong and she's the sickest part of me. Thank you, so much, for understanding this 🙂

  3. Clearly I need to run more if it gives me such insights! Just as soon as I can stop these children climbing all over me and recuperate from this cold…
    May your weekend be the right balance of wonderful inspiring cheerful children rolling round on the floor with you giving you hugs and quiet spaces in your head away from the constant interruptions.

    1. Unfortunately balance has been more than elusive, I'm worn out and admitting defeat – I need some class of medication. Now all I need is a psychiatrist willing to listen to me, look at my history and make an informed decision. Surely that's not asking for too much??!

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