Since my last post, I’ve had 3 days back at work. Thankfully I had annual leave already planned for today so I’m off again. How has it been? Well, I’ve been there! In body at least if not entirely in mind. Yesterday was more challenging, probably a combination of the novelty of being back wearing off, tiredness coming in, being in the more demanding of my two jobs and not having had the space for yoga, writing etc to keep me grounded.
So by last night, I was wiped. And I lost it. Grand evening with the kids (I think, to be honest I can’t particularly remember) but once they went to bed I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and caught me completely off guard, with the end result that I was pretty much powerless to do anything to slow it down. I did try. I knew I was heading for orange, so I took out my mat and tried 3 times to start some yoga. Nothing doing. Then I tried talking to Hubby but mostly just ended up picking fights when he tried to reassure me. Then I decided I was going for a walk. Alone. No, with the dogs. No, alone. Maybe go for a drive. But where? No, sweep the floors. Wash the floors. Make a shopping list…………and so it continued. With the end result that I was pretty much just paralysed in a heap in the middle of the floor, unable to make any sense of the many thoughts running around my head. Eventually I cracked, and cried, and that gave me some relief. The only way out of a hole that deep, for me at least, is either Therapist or sleep. But I can’t exactly go calling her at 9 o’clock of a Thursday night, so I went for sleep. One bonus of an attack like this is that once it passes, I’m absolutely exhausted and can generally just fall into a deep sleep – I’m actually not sure if it’s sleep, or my brain giving up for a few hours because it can’t handle any more turmoil.
Today so far hasn’t been a whole lot better. I was agitated as hell when I woke, and again, felt overwhelmed by the many and varying things I could/should be doing. Eventually (with a little encouragement from Hubby) I decided to run. But then. Then my data signal dropped, so I had no music, and right now, Bitchface is really, really loud. So, when she was busy telling me that I couldn’t do it, I had no way of drowning her out, and as a beginner runner, it takes very little to persuade me to stop. So, home I came, half crying, half fuming and utterly dejected. (I must have looked absolutely ridiculous while I debated all this with myself on the side of the road. Thank christ there were no witnesses. I think.) My phone survived the incident, just.
Since then there have been a spectacular number of ups and downs. I’ve lost count, and I’m worn out. It’s only lunch time. Hubby doesn’t know which way to look. Every time I lose it, I claw back, but it takes nothing to tip me over again. Mostly, it’s just tough going.
So the plan? The plan for today is quite literally take things one minute at a time. It’s the best I can do. Any more than that, any advance planning, is too much and likely to send me into a tailspin. The house is in a gimp, so once we’ve eaten we’ll be tackling that. I can barely keep control of my mind, so I need to take control of my surroundings. For me at least, having some visible calm around me helps me feel more emotionally calm.
So that’s it. Mostly today I’m incredibly volatile, and I honestly have no idea how the rest of the day will pan out. I suspect there will be more bursts of anger, and most likely more tears. But I’m going to try, really, really hard, not to let Bitchface take me to red, and to remember that Hubby is not my enemy. This is not his fault, any more than it is mine. We need to weather it.