I’m starting to get myself back on track, so I suspect there was actually some fallout from the med reduction a few weeks back. My mood is definitely improving, and I don’t have the bone crushing tiredness that was tormenting me for a while. That said, I’ve also been working really bloody hard to keep myself in a reasonable frame of mind! I’m back doing my yoga. Hubby started me on kettlebells so I’m keeping that up as well. I’m more able to do my night time routine of heading upstairs early and pottering – wash, moisturiser, body lotion, read – whatever it takes to feel like I’m looking after myself. Last night I even managed to knock the phone off on time, first time in about ten days.

It’s helping. It’s all helping. Of course despite being angelic last night, I still ended up having a rubbish nights sleep. Night sweats are happening again (the really nasty, need to get up and change variety), I was having crazy dreams and I kept waking up. Every time I woke up my mind went into overdrive, and would launch straight into repeating one line of a song over and over. But here’s something different – every time it happened, I remembered to come back to my breathing and just count, up to five, and then start again. I definitely got back to sleep, and I don’t remember tossing and turning for ages, so it must have helped. What I’m really pleased about today is less that it helped me to settle, but more that it seems to be becoming something I do automatically. I have spent the vast majority of my life holding my breath, and then when someone (usually Therapist 1.0) pointed it out to me, I’d manage one deep breath and go straight back to holding. I’ve been doing the bare basic amount of breathing required to keep me upright, and from talking to a few of you, I realise I’m far from the only one.

Here’s what’d really starting to sink in though………..after all my years of resisting breathing properly, after how utterly dismissive I’ve been of breathing exercises, I’m finally starting to see that they actually do work. I don’t do a specific meditation or mindfulness practice, but I’m more aware of where and how I’m breathing, and if I notice that it’s really shallow, I’m stopping long enough to take a deep breath. It’s such a small step, but at the same time, such a big one – how we breathe impacts on us physiologically, which in turn impacts on us chemically, then that impacts on us emotionally, and before we know where we are we’re tied up in knots. Simply by not breathing right.

So, if you do nothing else today, will you try this one thing? Will you try taking a deep breath?


This article has 2 Comments

  1. Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for running this blog. I’ve just recently (a few months ago) figured out that I probably have borderline or some personality disorder of the sort, and when I told my godmother, Susanna, about this, she said that she has a friend who runs a blog about her BPD journey – so I came here and read. A lot. And it’s such a cliché, but it was such a relief to realise that I wasn’t alone in feeling/behaving like I do. Everything you wrote could have been about me, too. Only difference is that I’ve had zero good experience with therapy (I’ve gone to several therapists and psychologists through the years and none of them have been able to even remotely help me. Most of them have basically said “it’s probably just a teenage depression, it’ll pass, go cuddle up in a blanket and have some tea until you feel better”). But what actually has helped is reading here about the work you do with and the help you get from your therapist. Because it gives me a sense of hope that I, too, one day will be able to get sufficient help. But it also gives me practical ways to understand and cope with myself, from the things that you learn and share here. So thank you! You’re making a difference.

    1. Hi Cornelia, I’m so glad to hear the blog has been of some use to you, although I’m really sorry that you’ve had such a tough time accessing support. It’s so hard to find a therapist we click with, never mind someone with the skill to handle bpd and all it entails. I really hope you find someone soon. In the meantime, take care of you and say hi to your lovely godmother for me 🙂

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