I have a track record with medication, it goes something like this – start something new, slow to see improvement, then big improvement, feel great, get back on track, then slowly, slowly start to slide again until I reach the point where it seems whatever medication it is is no longer working. It’s happened every time so far (except in the case of those that have had no positive impact at all). The last few days have been a struggle, I’ve been very discombobulated. For those of you who haven’t come across this word before, it could best be described as a general sense of unease, a feeling that something isn’t quite right although I’m not sure what. I’m having to try that much harder to keep going than I have been the last few weeks. Patience is in limited supply, and I’m quicker to anger. Hubby is very aware that I’m not quite right, and asked me earlier if I was worried that this means the honeymoon period with the medication was over.

In a nutshell, yes, I am. He isn’t, he sees this as a blip and one that will pass as quickly as it started. I hope so. He’s probably right, but I really, really don’t like this feeling. I’ve just a week left at work before 7 weeks off with the kids, and where this time last week I was looking forward to it, this evening I’m feeling pretty apprehensive. All the old guilty thought patterns are back – not spending enough quality time with them/forcing them to play out the front when they don’t want to/not doing enough ‘worthy’ (day trips/arts and crafts etc etc) activities with them………………..christ!!! Ok, I’ve caught it, I’m aware of it. Next step??

I don’t know. I’ve done exercise, chocolate and medication, not necessarily in that order. I’m seeing Therapist tomorrow, which is a good thing and bad thing by equal measure. Good because I’m losing perspective and I need to reign it back in, urgently, bad because I feel so ridiculously dependent on her at the moment that I’m ashamed to see her because I’ll have to talk about this dependence and it makes me feel horrendous. I am officially my own worst enemy, especially the last few days. The feeling of homesickness is still there, the general sense of being at sea, and a little lost. I’m not sure what would make it better, because I’m not sure what caused all of this in the first place.

So, no more than any other time, I’ll keep going. I’ll remind myself that this will pass, that it’s ok to feel like this, that it won’t last forever (can you sense how much I’m not buying into that right now??) I may well be tired, I passed out on the sofa this afternoon with a wicked headache. So, I’ll try sleep, and in the morning, yoga. Beyond that? There’s a supply of these in the freezer

Almond magnum. Fixes EVERYTHING

This article has 8 Comments

  1. maybe its just the transition from full time to part time work.
    I guess we're all the same, though, change is difficult at the best of times & there's no right or wrong way with kid's, except your way, because you & only you are their mother.

    1. Thanks Paula. This week has been better, and I'm now officially finished work for the summer. And, best of all, right now at least I'm not dreading it! Big step in the right direction.

  2. That is just how I feel and what happens to me too,feel fine for few weeks then I start feel low,not interested in doing thins etc.

  3. big cyber hugs and well done for catching these feelings early. I think that an "average" person may well find 7 weeks off work with the kids both something to look forward to and something to be apprehensive of, so tell Bitchface from me that a little worry about it isn't a sign of failure.

    Would it be useful, sometime you're feeling more bobualated, to sit down with hubby and work out what sensible parameters for summer holdiays would be, and write them down. Eg one big day trip a week, 1-2 hours of your full concentration helping with crafts/playing board games a day is fine, up to 2 hours being "ignored" and left to play outside per day is fine, that kind of thing. So that when you're in the thick of it and start blowing things out of all proportion you can refer to it and think "well, we said up to X amount of screen time a day is ok and actually they've only had half that today so I'm not a failure of I put the tv on now for another 15 mins so I can have a cup of tea". No idea if that would work, maybe it's not helpful at all, but it just occurred to me.

    I really find play dates helpful in the holidays, aka, throw all the kids together in someone's house/garden/the park, intervene as little as possible and talk as much as possible to someone else in the same situation, trading horror stories of all that's gone wrong and giving each other lots of sympathy. We try and have a morning a week where as many of us as possible that know each other descend on the local park (weather permitting). I'm sure you know this tactic, but it's easy to forget to arrange things in advance.

    OK, so now I'm dolling out lots of advice, which is not always a helpful tactic, so feel free to ignore it and just take away the fact that I've listened and empathised if that's what you need. Your a great mam and they love you lots, I bet they're looking forward to spending time with you rather than worrying about what they'll be doing in that time.

    1. Thank you, for the listening and the empathy and the advice (all of which made a lot of sense). Today I know we'll be ok – I've no doubt we'll have our moments, but I also know that's normal. Now all I have to do is remember that……..

  4. Your track record with meds is the same as mine. Years of it. The worst part is the anxiety and worry when I start to feel like I might be slipping a bit. And then whatever other stuff I'm dealing with at the time becomes compounded by this big horrible awful question:

    Have the meds stopped working??? AGAIN?

    At that stage for me, there is anxiety, and near panic, and endless therapy sessions discussing "Is this me? Is this the meds? Shouldn't they still be working? Aaaacccckkkkk!!!!"

    All this is to say that I'm sorry that you're in this stage. And I'm hoping your hubby is right that it's just a blip, just a temporary little bump in the road. But if it's not, and the slide continues, you will know it and you will get the help you need. Hang in there. 🙂

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