Things are all very serious at the moment. Hubby is trying so, so hard to bring Christmas into the house, and to get some class of a response from me.

Fires and candles are always a good place to start

It’s an uphill battle for both of us. Me, because I seem to be mostly devoid of feeling right now, him, because it’s soul destroying to live with someone so distant, the very person who should be a source of love and comfort and happiness. I realise I’m not responsible for his happiness, but right now, I, or my general state of being, is making it all but impossible for him to cultivate his own.

I want to make something clear. He doesn’t hold this against me. He knows it’s not me, not directly. It’s what’s going on. But I find it so much harder to make the same distinction, because I can’t separate me from my mind and all its crazy goings on. I don’t know what to do. I can’t will myself into feeling. I can’t will myself into finding motivation and energy and enthusiasm. And seeing how much hurt and pain I’m/its causing Hubby……….well that’s just horrible.

So we’re pushing on. We went into Christmas overdrive this weekend. The kids saw Santa on Saturday, at a really lovely show that was as much fun for the grown ups as the small people. (Incidentally, one of my prouder moments this weekend was when Santa looked for volunteers to light the Christmas candle, D’s hand shot up and he was picked. A year ago, there is no way he would have done that. It may not seem like much but for him, that’s huge.) We put up more decorations. We played an absolutely fabulous and horribly irreverent game with my folks on Saturday night (Cards against humanity. If you haven’t heard of it, check it out. If you’re easily offended, avoid it like the plague!!!) We laughed till the tears came and it was such a lovely release for all of us. Our house misses laughter. Our minds miss laughter. It’s hard not to get sucked right down with all of this, but we have to try. We have to keep fighting. We have to joke about Christmas party disasters and loola holidays and window lickers, because if we don’t, it’s overwhelming and we’re lost.

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