I’m to see the psychiatrist tomorrow, and hoping that the promised second opinion and psychometric testing will be part of the appointment, although I’ll be more than a touch surprised if it is. Myself and Hubby were chatting about it on the way home about it today. I had hoped he’d be able to come with me but it’s not going to work out, so we were trying to figure out what the key issues are that I need to get across. Unfortunately, communicating those issues coherently is going to be the first problem, as I’m finding it incredibly hard to articulate myself well verbally at the moment. Writing is different. In writing I can slow down, think, rethink and amend. Not so in speaking. Also, I’m in great form this last few days, and when in great form, I tend to forget the upheaval of previous weeks and say that everything is absolutely fine. So, I’m going to have to do something I really don’t like to do. I’m going to have to read back over the blog, and try and see if I can make sense of what my mood has been doing since the last time I saw her.

And I’m back. I don’t actually have to read anything, the titles are enough. Since I changed to this medication, back at the beginning of November, things have been very inconsistent. There have been some extreme lows. My ability to work has been impaired to say the least. I cannot concentrate. The simplest task seems confusing, notes that I’ve left myself don’t make sense and I’m making an awful lot of mistakes. Motivation? None. This is not me. It’s me the last few months, but in general, at work, I’m capable, efficient, organised and hard working. I like to be busy, to feel I’ve achieved something with my day. This level of woolly headedness is incredibly frustrating, and I’m concerned that it’s going to cause bigger problems soon – I can’t expect my bosses to continue making allowances for me.

This is what my head feels like quite a lot of the time – confusing, isn’t it?

There have been times when I’ve felt incredibly paranoid, and I stepped back towards hiding again. There was a huge distance growing between myself and Hubby, although thankfully that has passed. Then there was a period of nothing, when I couldn’t organise my thoughts at all. But it hasn’t been all bad either. Christmas was lovely. The break from work, and time to just be with my family gave me a chance to slow down and see that there is hope for the future, that we’ve come through a lot but we’re still standing. This period of calm was short lived though, again I lost perspective and a rake of flags started flying. And now? The last few days have been good, helped by a really fun night out on Saturday that gave me a huge lift. How long that will last is anyone’s guess.

I realise I have a lot of links here, they’re for me more than you so feel free to ignore them. But what it’s showing me, most of all, is the level of inconsistency in my mood. I’m unpredictable, and liable to fluctuate dramatically between good, bad and indifferent. Concentration and motivation are becoming serious problems. And of course, as always, there are the side effects, the wonderful, all medications have them, side effects. I’ll spare you the gory details but it’s really quite unpleasant.

Once more blogging is proving incredibly useful.  Now I know what I need to tell the psychiatrist in the morning. Here’s hoping she listens!!

This article has 4 Comments

  1. hi, tell your psychiatrist exactly what you have just told me. Its clear you are happier at home, I know you need to get 'away' but is work the solution at the moment, youre in a megga catch 22. Do you think you would be entitled to any allowance which could help you stay at home and obviously help with household finances and hopefully keep your job safe for the future…

  2. don't laugh but since we discovered imessage and what's app our relationship has improved and we've grown closer. Instead of trying to pick my brain and get it all wrong and me upset my hubby just says, write it down and send it. If it's really bad I'll write him from the bath, other times I'll just spend a few minutes on the coach contemplating what I'm actually trying to say then sending it off allows me to put the ball in his corner, he has to take time to read and reply ( most of the time verbally) but at least it takes us out of the immediate discussion which spirals down and in to more about how you say it than what it is you're trying to say.
    Lot's of luck at the psych, maybe print out this bit above, so you can shove it in her face and make her read 🙂
    Annemiek

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