I’m not ok. You’ve probably noticed the ridiculous amount of up and down that’s gone on this last while and it’s getting the better of me. I’m not sure my psychiatrist’s plan of leaving me without a therapist is working out all that well. I get the theory behind it, but in practice, I’m struggling. I miss Therapist, so much. The first couple of weeks were hard, in that it was a raw pain, and one that frequently blindsided me. That has passed, but now there’s a constant dull ache and it’s wearing me down. I want to talk to her. Or someone. I don’t know anymore if it’s her, or what she represents – acceptance, understanding, empathy. I miss that so, so much. Don’t get me wrong, family and friends have been fantastic, and incredibly understanding considering how chaotic I’ve been. But I’m just not comfortable talking to anyone I know personally when I get like this. I’m too conscious of little sense it makes, of how it’s all been said before, of how they have enough going on in their own lives. I used to feel that I was burdening Therapist, but I see now that I wasn’t. It was her job to listen, and then it was up to her to be able to emotionally disengage from whatever I told her. I can’t expect the same of friends, or family.
Is this still grief? Is this all part of the process of ending therapy? It doesn’t make sense to me that I’ve been told I have to manage this on my own. I’m sure if it was any other significant relationship that had come to an end, for whatever reason, I’d actually be encouraged to seek support. But because it was a supportive relationship that ended……..what, tough? Suck it up?
I’m trying so, so hard, but it’s not enough. I’d like to talk to someone about it, someone impartial. A therapist. But I can’t. I don’t know what to do with that.