I thought I was over my Therapist moment from yesterday, but apparently I’m not. As I was driving home earlier, I had a sudden and vivid memory of her telling me three things, repeatedly, over the course of the six years we worked together. They were, in no particular order of priority;
- I’m not going anywhere
- I’m here for as long as you need me
- We will always find a way to make this work
Typically these comments came in response to my worrying that we weren’t going to be able to keep working together for some reason, or thinking ahead to the time when I would inevitably have to finish with her (oh the glorious irony!!). I get the intention behind each of these statements, I really do, and although I possibly should be, I can’t be angry with her for saying them yet ultimately not following through. We had no way of knowing that things were going to get so impossibly complicated. But today, the memory of those comments was utterly heartbreaking. I never really believed her, and now it seems I was right not to. I realise I have to be really, really careful with how I frame this, because the bpd/Bitchface combo is dying to turn this into something that it’s not.
Yesterday, I began to realise that she’s gone for good. But as quickly as I allowed myself to start thinking on that, I put the lid back on. Not very firmly though if today is anything to go by. I don’t know what prompted me to think of those comments, but I could hear her voice so clearly and for a good half hour there, it felt like the ultimate betrayal. She lied to me. Over and over again I played those conversations back in my head, and over and over again the sense of rejection was like a punch to the gut. Thankfully I was in the car so I got to have my meltdown in private.
But did she lie to me? Really? It occurs to me now that these are phrases I didn’t hear a whole lot in our last few months together, or if I did, I don’t remember them. I think we both knew for quite some time that we had reached the end of the road, but I guess I had to come to that realisation myself. Even then, I needed her to agree with that realisation before I could see it through. Now, with distance, I don’t doubt that she meant every word of those three statements at the times that she said them. But I wonder with hindsight, knowing exactly how things were going to play out, would she still have said them? Another question I won’t get to ask.
I’m ok now, I think the storm has passed for today at least. These intense bursts of emotion are exhausting, and always take me by surprise. I would love to know when they will finally end, for good. There are things that I know – I’m managing ok, I don’t need Therapist, all of these episodes will pass – but at times what I know and what I feel are at such completely polar opposite ends of the scale they’re irreconcilable. Today’s ‘need’ for Therapist is a perfect example. So now, once again, I dig in, hang on, and ride it out.