I had a really, really tough session with Therapist today. The way I’ve been feeling the last few days I knew it was going to be hard, but the extent of it still managed to catch me by surprise. It’s been a long time since I left her office in tears, but today I was barely able to see on my way out. The tears continued out in the street, all the way back to the carpark, and then turned into barely contained sobs once I hit the safety of the car. It was all decidedly unpleasant and I would have been mortified if I wasn’t so busy trying to avoid eye contact with half of Galway.
Something I consistently have difficulty with is naming my emotions, so last week she had sent me links to a couple of feeling charts to see if that would help. It didn’t, none of them were right.
|Image credit: Paul Elmore|
I haven’t counted, but I’d hazard a guess there are at least 100 words there, probably more. How can none of them be right??
Every time I think I have a handle on this insane disorder, it throws another curve ball at me. The above two tie in so nicely with each other, and have been really causing problems the last few days. It’s funny, along with the many, many things I fret about before every single session, one of the most ridiculous is the wardrobe crisis. Yes, really. I tie myself up in knots over what to wear, what shoes, hair up, hair down…….today I actually got as far as the car then came back in to change. This has been happening for years, but today is the first time I thought to mention it to Therapist. Her thoughts? It’s because I don’t know which version of me to be when I’m with her. I constantly, constantly, shape myself to my surroundings. It’s so deeply ingrained I don’t even realise I’m doing it 99.9% of the time. The only time it becomes apparent is if I find myself in a situation where I’m either under or overdressed compared to who I’m with. Then, the intense sense of not fitting in borders on unbearable. With her? With her, I meet a blank slate. How can I fit in with a blank slate?