This is a phrase which has popped up quite a bit in the last week. I am incredibly high maintenance at the moment (and no, I’m not referring to a need for varying forms of jewellery, wining and dining). Keep myself functioning in any kind of normal way is taking serious work. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve swung from peeling myself up off the floor to peeling myself down off the ceiling, and it’s absolutely exhausting. There have been numerous meltdowns of both the public and private variety and I’m on a hair trigger all the time. Like now for example. Someone walked past the house. The dogs barked. I roared. I feel like I’m completely at the mercy of what’s going on around me, like I’ve no filter at all. If things are going well, I’m in flying form, to the point of giddy. But when I either come down off that, or am confronted with someone else’s bad form, I go straight back down, or else hit insta-rage. My head aches from trying to keep up with myself.
I’m doing absolutely everything I can. I’m making sure I get enough sleep, or at least as much as I can. I’m doing my yoga. I’ve started back with my couch to 10k app again. I’m eating well. I’m taking the drugs. And yet it still doesn’t feel like enough. I feel like I’m using all of those things as band-aids, that I’m trying to keep the cracks from splitting wide open.
There’s a lot going on, I’ll grant you that. Some of it is incredibly exciting and giving me a really pleasant distraction. Some of it is less enjoyable and causing significant stress. But that’s just life!! I’ve said it before, I need to find a middle ground, somewhere were the good stuff doesn’t send me stratospheric, and the bad stuff doesn’t plunge me into the depths of depression. I need balance. But I’m not sure what more I can do at this point.