We’ve had 3 whole days at home just the four of us. Friday was lovely – there was a lot of pottering, not too much doing, and I was mercifully calm all day. Since then, I’ve been getting steadily edgier, and eventually had to resort to xanax this afternoon when I knew I was getting far too close to snapping. I’m disappointed, although not surprised. I’m rediscovering my chronic inability to sit still, and the ridiculous weight of expectation I carry when all four of us are home together – what we should be doing, where we should be going. I get myself wound up about it without even realising. I think it’s easier in some ways when it’s just me and the kids, because then I have to make the decisions, and it’s up to me what we do. But when Hubby is here, I bring in all these extra variables (note, I, not he) – we’re all off, therefore, we should be going on daytrips/spending the day at home is a waste/we’re giving the kids too much attention/we’re not giving the kids enough attention/we’re depriving them of wonderful experiences/I shouldn’t be doing housework etc etc etc. Always with the high standards and the guilt. Did I mention M has been running a temperature most of the weekend anyway? So really, going anywhere far wouldn’t be much of an option.
It’s just really strange. The mornings are fine. The evenings are fine. It’s the long stretch of time in between that I don’t know how to fill and I get panicky about. The time after we’ve done the walk…………
……but before dinner. I’m tying myself up in knots over what is the right thing to do by my kids. It’s frustrating, exhausting and I suspect mostly a waste of time and energy, because as far as everyone else is concerned, the last few days have been lovely. The kids have had loads of fun either together or with us, the sun has been shining, we’ve been outside lots, had picnics in the garden………….it’s just me!! No, I don’t have an album full of photos of trips to the sea or forest walks, but the only one taking issue with that is me.
I haven’t had a whole lot of exercise of late, I fell off the running wagon after a really crappy run about two weeks ago, although I did go out yesterday. I need to get back on it again, because I know it helps. I’m full of nervous energy and I don’t have an outlet for it right now, and I think that’s half the reason I’m getting so wound up over nothing. Right now, the plan is to get up and head out first thing tomorrow. I’ll let you know how that works out.