Today, and the last few days, I find myself looking out at the world from behind the dreaded glass wall. I can fight with myself, I can try and ignore it, but there’s no getting away from it. It’s there and it absolutely sucks. I’m functioning, I’m doing what I need to, but it’s all a little distant, as though I’m at a remove from everything. Does that make sense? I’m trying so hard to remember what I’ve written before, to think of all the good things, but my god is it hard work. If I had my way, I’d crawl into bed, pull the duvet over my head and stay there. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to engage. Oh but I’m good at happy face. I do happy face really well, and right now, it’s a defence that’s working well for me.

Because admitting I’m not feeling good makes it more real, and I don’t want it to be more real. The memory of the most recent episode is still very raw, and I’m loath to think I’m even slightly feeling that way again. Bitchface on the other hand – she is so determined to make me give in.

I saw Therapist today. It was tough, she was lovely, I cried a lot. Acceptance is still a big issue for me. Of my mind in all it’s depressive glory, of the necessity of full time work, of the uncertainty around said full time work, of on-going financial strain………….I’m bowing under the pressure. I know I won’t break. I know I’m stronger than that. But what I wouldn’t give not to feel like this………I feel ashamed, and embarrassed, and frustrated, and angry. And tired. So tired of having to dig myself out of the same old hole. I’m not ashamed etc for writing about it, but for the fact that I feel it in the first place. I realise this flies in the face of a lot of what I’ve written before, and I’m working hard to pull it back. But that’s the problem with depression. It loves all those nasty feelings, just loves them. So this is as close as I can get to admitting I’m not ok. I’ll get through it. It’ll pass, again.

This article has 16 Comments

  1. Wishing you stength to keep plodding on until the wall comes down…

    Feeling pretty rough myself an it's well and truly my own stupid fault, grr.

  2. I know what you mean about the glass wall thing. Do you find that when the world looks like that, it can be hard to motivate yourself?

  3. I have just stumbled on your blog and I have just been reading bits especially the last post and am typing this, trying not to cry because you are soo spot on, and it's such a relief to read. I'm ok right now but when I'm not it's feels to me like I'm in a sort of slow motion black and white film, where even the simplest task takes superhuman effort and then when I'm ok I'm back in techncolour and everythings jolly again! Does that make sense? Maybe thats just me. Please be kind to yourself until that bloody glass wall lifts and thank you so much xxx ps I do a great line in Happy Faces and Guilt too! xxxx

    1. Makes so much sense!! It's as if sound and colour are dimmed, and I'm at a remove from everything – I don't want to talk, it's harder to figure out what I want to say, and it takes longer to say it. It's easier just to stay behind the wall and not join in.
      Thankfully today is better. I had a good session with Therapist yesterday, and that always gives me some relief for a few days at least. Trying to concentrate on staying present and not thinking about what's to come.
      Don't know if you've seen this one yet but it might help…….http://sunnyspellsandscatteredshowers.blogspot.ie/2013/04/the-bubble.html
      Thanks so much for reading
      x

  4. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, especially at a time when writing coherant sentances is possibly the last thing you feel like doing. I have checked out The Bubble and many of your other brave and honest posts, with accompanying 'yep's and will continue to follow you on facebook (but not in a scary stalking way!) , I really hope your glass wall is begining to crumble. My very best wishes and lots of love Helenx

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