I went for a walk. I tried painting. I’ve been trying to write for the last half hour but I can’t make it work. All I can hear, playing over and over again in my head, are the most difficult parts of the conversation I had with Therapist today, our first session since my wake up call.
‘I can’t save you’
‘I’m only one person’
‘I can’t be the only resource you have’
‘What you did was a game changer’
‘You scared me’
‘We need more eyes on you’
‘We need more help than I can give you’
‘DBT is what you need’
‘You have to let other people help you’
She’s not accomodating me with an alternative appt on bank holidays any more partly because she’s busy and partly because Monday at 1 is my time and boundaries needed to be reinforced.
She’s not going to try and interpret my silences any more because it’s what I want her to do and it’s not helpful for me.
In between all of this I know she was also kind, and compassionate, and empathic, and understanding, because she always is. But I can’t remember any of that. All I can hear is anger, disappointment and rejection. And right now, I’m too tired to try and make myself hear anything else.