I went for a walk. I tried painting. I’ve been trying to write for the last half hour but I can’t make it work. All I can hear, playing over and over again in my head, are the most difficult parts of the conversation I had with Therapist today, our first session since my wake up call.

‘I can’t save you’

‘I’m only one person’

‘I can’t be the only resource you have’

‘What you did was a game changer’

‘You scared me’

‘We need more eyes on you’

‘We need more help than I can give you’

‘DBT is what you need’

‘You have to let other people help you’

She’s not accomodating me with an alternative appt on bank holidays any more partly because she’s busy and partly because Monday at 1 is my time and boundaries needed to be reinforced.

She’s not going to try and interpret my silences any more because it’s what I want her to do and it’s not helpful for me.

In between all of this I know she was also kind, and compassionate, and empathic, and understanding, because she always is. But I can’t remember any of that. All I can hear is anger, disappointment and rejection. And right now, I’m too tired to try and make myself hear anything else.

This article has 6 Comments

  1. I came to your blog just now after reading a piece you wrote in The Journal about fire walking. It seems serendipitous to me that I read that story – a story I found really touching, encouraging and uplifting – at a moment when its writer is struggling. I hope you'll take this as a reminder of how far you've come. You're obviously feeling very hurt and distressed, but it's heartening and significant that, at the same time, you can see that the measures your therapist suggested will help you in the long run. You're not letting the automatic response of rejection overwhelm you. You're mindful of your thoughts and feelings, and where they're coming from. That perspective is so important and shows that you're already helping yourself so much. My counsellor asks me to be patient and kind to myself; I hope you'll do the same (I also hope this doesn't sound utterly bizarre coming from a stranger). Thank you so much for writing!

    1. It doesn't sound utterly bizarre at all, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. I hadn't thought of the firewalk for a long time, it helped to be reminded of that. I'm also trying really hard to be kind to myself this weekend – for the first time in quite a while I'm allowing myself time to sit down and just do nothing, without feeling guilty for it.
      As for Therapist? Circumstances have meant I haven't actually see her again since writing the above so I've no idea where we're at, but we'll work it out. Thank you

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