I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t want to be me, or at least the version of me that has to attend group sessions for people who self harm, or do dbt, or be signed out of work yet again. I saw the occupational health doctor this morning, and while he agreed that things have improved, he told me to forget about work for the time being, that I need to concentrate on dbt.

I feel like such an unbelievable fraud. I have no x-ray that I can point at to show what’s broken, no blood test that can prove that I really do need this time. All I have is me. Earlier it made sense. Take the time, do Eden, do dbt, get myself into a good routine with diet and exercise, build on the last few months………and now? Now it seems like nothing more than an exercise in petty self indulgence. I was on the verge of mailing work to tell them that the doctor made a mistake, I’m fine, and I can come back straight away.

How did I get from thinking more time was a good plan to believing the exact opposite? Three simple steps. A glimpse of Therapist in town. A phone call from someone I have a lot of respect for rejecting an idea I had suggested. And a reminder that my friend E is officially gone tomorrow. Instant overwhelm. My good old avoidance strategy kicked in – if I go back to work, this will all go away. I’ll be a normal person again. If I can just ignore it for long enough………

Right now, what I want to do is make my way to the bottom of a bottle of wine as quickly as possible. Watch Netflix. Eat crap. Forget, forget, forget. Don’t think. But if I do that, tomorrow will be worse. I’ll be hungover, feel guilty for being hungover and my thinking will be worse because I’ll have the bonus of being really tired on top of a hangover (cos let’s face it, even normal people find it difficult to stop at just one episode on Netflix. For someone with impulse control issues………?!)

I am so profoundly sick of this. I do not like myself one little bit this evening. I don’t want to go to Eden tomorrow. I want it all to just fuck off. Now.

 

This article has 5 Comments

  1. Please please please stay strong. You might think you are a failure but you are anything but. You are doing the best you can in an awful situation. Take each day as it comes . Corny advice but well intended. If that seems beyond you take each hour.
    Have belief. Your overwhelming honestly helps so so many people. They & I know you can get through this.

  2. You poor love. It all came at once, didn’t it? You’ll get there. You’re incredibly strong, incredibly brave. You just need to believe it, we do.

  3. Sending you much love & prayers. Hope tomorrow is better, and tonight you receive peace of mind and heart.

  4. You know what i do…I sometimes write notes to myself, explaining the conviction or plan or feeling I have at the time. I write every detail down, like I am pitching an idea to a stranger. For example – I am going to change therapists. Then i say – 32 year old female, suffering from depression, not making progress, maybe change therapists. Motivate it properly. Then when i feel unsure about it later, I look at it again and try to imagine what i would say if I was evaluating it objectively. Then I also write my advice down – for example – stick it out 2 more weeks. If no progress, re-evaluate. It sounds strange I know but it works. At the time I am so convinced about something but when i have to deal with it a few days later, I always seem to think I am making a big deal out of nothing etc.

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