I’ve had a whole entire 24 hours to myself, Hubby and the kids went to Kildare for the night. It’s been awesome. I got to catch up on mail that I had let build up for way too long, I’ve walked, I’ve done yoga, I’ve fed myself properly – all good.
A few mails that I replied to had been asking me about attachment issues with Therapist 1.0 – how I managed it, what it felt like, how we dealt with it. This is hard stuff for me to think about because in the end we couldn’t manage it but at the same time it was incredibly helpful for me to get those mails. I struggled with attachment for most of my 6 years with her, and towards the end it became insurmountable. I felt so alone in that, and genuinely often thought I was losing my mind. How could I feel so strongly about someone I didn’t actually know? But of course it was nothing to do with her, it’s all part of the process, and it’s a process I’m now hoping to finish with Therapist 2.0. Hearing from other people experiencing exactly the same issues is making it that little bit easier.
That said, between writing those mails and doing the vlog, it brought everything up again for me, which would have been ok ish if I wasn’t also really tired. I could have done with going to bed at 9pm, but I was so enjoying my quiet house that I didn’t. Instead I stayed online, had a couple of beers, and fell back to old habits. When I spend any length of time dwelling on that relationship and how much I miss her, particularly when I’m tired, the urge to hurt myself comes right back up.
I got close last night, possibly a little too close. But, I didn’t do it!! I thought about if for quite a while, had pretty much decided I was going to do it and screw the consequences, but I caught myself, and in the end I made a deal with Bitchface – if I still feel as strongly about it in the morning, then I can do it.
This morning? Urge has passed. I slept, not fantastically well, I’m having incredibly vivid dreams at the moment, but I slept. I woke at a reasonable time, contemplated staying in bed but instead got myself out for a walk with the dogs. I came home, did some yoga, showered, and now I’m writing. I feel good. I feel calm. I feel quite proud of me.