Things have been pretty hardcore around here lately. I’m getting tired of that – my head hurts from thinking, and I’m driving myself crazy trying to make the powers that be do something for me when really at this point in time, all that can be done is being done so I just need to wait. I’m worried, and I’m scared. Hubby is scared. My family are scared (my Dad is en route as we speak to keep me company/keep an eye on me).
But there are still things I can do, or at least try to do. You see, part of the problem when I get this far into the hole is the black and white, all or nothing thinking. I can’t get myself through a run, so I won’t even go for a walk. I can’t do a challenging yoga sequence, so I won’t allow myself to do a restful one. Would headspace help? Probably, but I’m not going to try. I’m feeling so much pressure about everything that I’m paralysed and can do nothing. All of my usual outlets are gone. And with all my usual outlets gone, where does anger and frustration go? Inwards. Bitchface is beating the living shit out of me. She’s stopping me from seeing anything worthwhile about myself, anything I’ve achieved, anything that’s good about my life. She’s only allowing me to see the difficulties, and no more than anyone, there are plenty to choose from. They’re nothing new, they’re the same challenges we’ve lived with for years. The problem now is, when anything even slightly inconvenient happens I have no perspective and I cannot cope. Instant overwhelm. It’s like I have no filter at all and can’t pick out the big from the little things. Actually, it reminds me very much of the way my 3 year old girl is currently reacting to anything she doesn’t want to hear!!
So for today, I’m going to try not to think so much, and remember that there are people doing everything they can to get me help. It’s funny, because in the brief periods of calm like this, I start thinking that everything is actually fine, that I’m just over reacting and over thinking things. But then………….well we all know where that goes and that’s not the point of this post. The point is, I am going to try to be just a little more gentle with myself. I know there’s a pretty huge problem lurking in my head that is going to fight this every step of the way, but I have to start fighting back. Gently. I was ready to give up. I think to some extent that’s what’s been going on the last few days, I was starting to believe that this was going to get the better of me. But as long as I can have even five minutes a day like this, that has to mean the real me is still in there somewhere, fighting to get out. I have to hold on to that. I have to start believing it. I also have to remember that just because I’m calm and in control right now, doesn’t mean there won’t be an outburst later, or tomorrow. This is going to take time, lots of it. The hardest part will be remembering that when I falter, it doesn’t mean I’ve lost, it doesn’t mean Bitchface can start shouting at me again. It just means it’s taken time to get into this hole, it’s going to take time to get out, and I cannot rush it, or berate myself every time I slip – all that will do is make the journey back out a whole lot longer.
My beautiful boy gave me this. He picked it out himself, for me. He loves me. My girl is throwing shapes like there’s no tomorrow, and testing us to the limit, but she also loves me with all of her gorgeous little heart. Hubby hasn’t given up on me, when I’m pretty sure many others would have. A good friend is dragging me out to the gym in a little while. People are offering help all the time. I can ignore it, or I can reach out and grab the lifeline that’s being offered with both hands. Yesterday I wanted to ignore it, I wanted to be left alone to drown. Today, I’m grabbing it and holding on for dear life.