Things have been pretty hardcore around here lately. I’m getting tired of that – my head hurts from thinking, and I’m driving myself crazy trying to make the powers that be do something for me when really at this point in time, all that can be done is being done so I just need to wait. I’m worried, and I’m scared. Hubby is scared. My family are scared (my Dad is en route as we speak to keep me company/keep an eye on me).

But there are still things I can do, or at least try to do. You see, part of the problem when I get this far into the hole is the black and white, all or nothing thinking. I can’t get myself through a run, so I won’t even go for a walk. I can’t do a challenging yoga sequence, so I won’t allow myself to do a restful one. Would headspace help? Probably, but I’m not going to try. I’m feeling so much pressure about everything that I’m paralysed and can do nothing. All of my usual outlets are gone. And with all my usual outlets gone, where does anger and frustration go? Inwards. Bitchface is beating the living shit out of me. She’s stopping me from seeing anything worthwhile about myself, anything I’ve achieved, anything that’s good about my life. She’s only allowing me to see the difficulties, and no more than anyone, there are plenty to choose from. They’re nothing new, they’re the same challenges we’ve lived with for years. The problem now is, when anything even slightly inconvenient happens I have no perspective and I cannot cope. Instant overwhelm. It’s like I have no filter at all and can’t pick out the big from the little things. Actually, it reminds me very much of the way my 3 year old girl is currently reacting to anything she doesn’t want to hear!!

So for today, I’m going to try not to think so much, and remember that there are people doing everything they can to get me help. It’s funny, because in the brief periods of calm like this, I start thinking that everything is actually fine, that I’m just over reacting and over thinking things. But then………….well we all know where that goes and that’s not the point of this post. The point is, I am going to try to be just a little more gentle with myself. I know there’s a pretty huge problem lurking in my head that is going to fight this every step of the way, but I have to start fighting back. Gently. I was ready to give up. I think to some extent that’s what’s been going on the last few days, I was starting to believe that this was going to get the better of me. But as long as I can have even five minutes a day like this, that has to mean the real me is still in there somewhere, fighting to get out. I have to hold on to that. I have to start believing it. I also have to remember that just because I’m calm and in control right now, doesn’t mean there won’t be an outburst later, or tomorrow. This is going to take time, lots of it. The hardest part will be remembering that when I falter, it doesn’t mean I’ve lost, it doesn’t mean Bitchface can start shouting at me again. It just means it’s taken time to get into this hole, it’s going to take time to get out, and I cannot rush it, or berate myself every time I slip – all that will do is make the journey back out a whole lot longer.

My beautiful boy gave me this. He picked it out himself, for me. He loves me. My girl is throwing shapes like there’s no tomorrow, and testing us to the limit, but she also loves me with all of her gorgeous little heart. Hubby hasn’t given up on me, when I’m pretty sure many others would have. A good friend is dragging me out to the gym in a little while. People are offering help all the time. I can ignore it, or I can reach out and grab the lifeline that’s being offered with both hands. Yesterday I wanted to ignore it, I wanted to be left alone to drown. Today, I’m grabbing it and holding on for dear life.

This article has 3 Comments

  1. The terrible thing when depression makes its appearance is that is stops you doing the things that help keep it at bay.It revels in making you feel that your slipping back into it,but like you say even if you find 5 minutes in a day where you can get some clarity it is a huge achievement. So many things you say ring true to me.Still trying to battle these times when depression tries to undo the good work i've done. Such as earlier in the week when the negative self talk was back in force and i didn't want to fight back- but then for 2 minutes i just listened to a meditation online(even though i really didn't want to and it seemed pointless) and then i thought that if i could do it for 2 minutes,then maybe i could do it for 5!! And the recognising that i was in a bad place was an achievement in itself. I know what you mean when you say it's hard to be gentle to yourself,and yet we can be to others! Like you i find great joy in my beautiful little 3 year old girl,and its the moments when i'm playing with her (or we are hiding in her tent!) that i realise i'm living in the now.It's then i know that at sometimes i can stop the over/negative thinking.
    Hope you have a good day and have a good time in the gym! Always here to help you in the fight if you need help,just like your helping me and many others.

  2. Now you're making me cry! Sounds like a fantstic plan given the circumstances. Good luck creeping gently away from the edge.

  3. It sounds like you are doing everything possible to get the help you need – including reaching out to others and accepting their love and assistance. The mere fact that you could write this post shows how strong you are – Bitchface doesn't stand a chance! 🙂

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