I’m not proud of myself today. I’m not proud of my frame of mind, or the way I’m thinking, or the way Bitchface is getting way stronger than I’d like. I’m not proud of the fact that I genuinely believe I’m incapable of resolving how I feel for myself, by myself, that I’m utterly reliant on other people. Somewhere deep down I know this isn’t true, but today reaching those depths is beyond me.
Depression seems such an inappropriate word. Depression conjures images of crying, and sadness, and needing hugs. Yes, there’s that. But there’s so much more. There’s the self doubt, self loathing, emotional numbness, anger, whirling thoughts, isolation, loneliness, even when surrounded by people, inability to think and sometimes even act rationally, striking out at those closest to you……….feel free to add to this list anything I’ve left out. I’m sure there’s lots.
So what next? What next is work. I have to start believing again that I can get myself out of this. I have been given the most incredible opportunity in speaking at the Technology for Well-being conference, only next week, and I’m fecked if I’m going to let Bitchface mess that up for me. It’s not going to be easy. Right now I’m determined that I will do it, earlier this evening I was equally determined that Therapist was the only person on the entire planet who could help, as well as being the one person I really should not contact. That’s just one more thing that makes this illness so unbelievably hard to handle at times – the lies it tells are so seductive, and it’s far far easier to just go along with it than work against it.
I’ve fallen down a lot the last couple of weeks, there’s no denying it. I do think work is playing a big part in all this, and that if I get some certainty there, it will be easier to start building myself up again. I’ll get there.
If anyone is still on this crazy rollercoaster with me, fair play. I live in my head, I realise how difficult it is to listen to all this. I know I’ll get to positivity again, hopefully soon, but in the meantime, bear with me. And for the love of god, don’t get sucked in!!!
|Image credit: Matthew Johnstone|