I’m sitting here this morning feeling anxious and low and depressed and trying to breathe into it like Therapist 2.0 suggested. It sucks. It feels horrible. My mind is coming up with a million and one other things I could/should be doing right now, all of which are extremely worthy and all of which will distract me from how I’m feeling. So this is the part where I’m confused – do I sit here and allow myself to feel it all with the potential of it turning into a massive pity party, or do I get up and use the many and varying distraction tactics that would eventually help me feel better?

There is so much contradictory advice out there. Don’t overthink things. Don’t get pulled into difficult emotions. Do get pulled into them. Allow them out, let them say what they need to say. Take psychiatric meds, they make imbalances better and help fix us. Don’t take psychiatric meds, they cause the very imbalances we’re led to believe are the problem in the first place.

I guess the difficulty with all of this is trying to find the middle ground. I need to allow myself to feel without getting trapped. I need to take the meds to help me get to a place where I can work on strategies that will allow me to manage without them. I don’t really know what’s going on right now. I don’t know if I’m tired and that’s contributing to how I’m feeling, or if I’m tired because of how I’m feeling. I don’t know if it’s to do with reducing meds – if it is, then surely I need to go easy on myself because my system is all up in a heap. But if it’s not, then I need to get myself moving or things will get worse.

Are you confused yet? I’m really confused. But even writing all of this is helping, because at least now I know I’m confused!!! No matter what I do right now I’ll feel guilty. If I do housework, it’ll be because I’m not getting any exercise/yoga when I have the space to do it, but if I go with exercise, it’ll be because the house is in a gimp. Technically, I could probably do both, I’ve the next four hours to myself. But that would require a level of drive that I don’t currently have.

Oh my god, I HATE feeling like this. The indecision, the guilt, the anxiety – it hasn’t been quite this intense for a while. So what do I do?

This article has 8 Comments

  1. What you describe is what I call the “rock and the hard place in the land of I Don’t Know”. I’m very much struggling with it this week. So much conflicting advice out there that I find that it leads me to feel overwhelmed and I start shutting down to others and myself. I find sitting with these feelings both intense and uncomfortable when they arrive but eventually after years of trying and practice I have come to a point where I: 1st become aware of them, 2nd feel them, 3rd choose to keep feeling them or sail them away (for good or for another time) 4th know and believe that I’m trying my best and 5th be as compassionate as I can be towards myself and others that are around me. I find these 5 steps, and particularly the last one, difficult but I find I am becoming better practised at them. I do regress from time to time as I’m human but I have an awareness now that it happens so I automatically go back to step one and repeat when I have awareness I’m regressing.

    I find it a difficult place when I have these different choices in front of me when I’m stuck between the rock and the hard place in the land of I Don’t Know but I find that if I make loving compassion towards myself and others paramount, things work out. I’m afraid I can’t offer anymore insight into it only keep practising self and other compassion no mater how difficult things get. I’ve found great help and insight into this in a book called the Compassionate Mind by and Dr. Paul Gilbert.

    And thank you for talking so openly and honestly about your journey so far.

    1. I really needed to read this today Lorcan, thank you. I’m currently slap in the middle of the rock and the hard place in the land of I don’t know, and my anxiety is through the roof with it. Before reading your comment I had managed steps 1 and 2, you’ve reminded me of what I need to do next. I’m picking up my kids in a few minutes, and rather than getting wound up this afternoon I’m going to make keeping things as relaxed as possible a priority, whatever form that may take.
      I have ‘The Compassionate Mind’ as well, really, really useful book. Must pick it up again. Maybe that’s what I should do for the afternoon…..

  2. I am inclined to say give yourself time to be self-compassionate first, and hopefully from that you will gain the momentum and self-belief to face the other stuff. I hope this doesn’t sound directive, its only opinion and my shoulder to your wheel. There is a rainbow just over the horizon, I’m sure of that.

    1. Hope it improved for you Chris. I had a better couple of weeks but lots of difficult stuff to contend with so am really anxious again. Reading the lovely comments here has really helped me to realise what it is I need to do today to try and bring myself back down – compassion has to be top of the list.

  3. Urggh, sounds pretty awful. My only advice is to do small things positive things. I tend to start with washing up, as I can do that without thinking and then I feel a little better because at least I’ve done something. So try and think of one small thing you can do and do that. Then go and sit down if you need to after, but if you can, then do another small thing. Try and concentrate on the things you have done, not what you haven’t. Of course, that’s so much easier to say than to do.

    This guy says it much better than me, but I can’t find his vlog about washing up https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGtQGN9pSKU


    1. I didn’t realise he had a youtube channel, thank you!! Today is another of those one small thing at a time type days. I’ve a deadline hanging over me, but there’s been so much going on the last few weeks at home and otherwise that I cannot focus on writing so instead I’m playing a long overdue catch up with comments on here and fb. It’s not getting my article written but it’s making me feel like I’m really achieving something which is a big step in the right direction. Little things, right?

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