It’s been three weeks since I had myself tormented with whether or not I was going to keep up the blog. The irony is, since making the decision to keep it going, I haven’t felt either the need or the desire to write. My world has gotten very, very small, but it feels incredibly safe and I’m more stable for it.
What’s changed? I’m not sure. Certainly having time out from work, time on my own, is helping. I saw my psychiatrist last Thursday week and she increased my meds again, this time the anti-depressant. I’ve no clue whether or not it could be working already but certainly side effects have increased, so maybe mood stabilisation is happening too? And then there are the things I’m doing – running, yoga, photography and colouring. Hours and hours and hours of colouring. I’m not quite sure when I started it, possibly before I was signed out of work, but my Dad got me the Secret Garden colouring book a couple of weeks ago and since starting that I’m officially hooked. I feel mildly embarrassed to be admitting this, it seems such a ridiculous thing to be doing, but there’s no denying the calming affect it’s had. From what I’ve read (which isn’t a whole lot) colouring tricks our minds into slowing down because we have to pay so much attention to detail. Certainly when I’m doing it the constant monologue that goes on in my head gets much, much quieter. It gives me something to focus on, something to get lost in, and that’s been sorely lacking for a long time. I find I’m not leaping ahead, or trying desperately to control everything that’s going on around me, especially the stuff that I actually cannot control.
There’s also been a shift in how I’m thinking about Therapist. I’ve noticed that for the last week or so, the urgency, the intensity of the need to contact her, has lessened considerably. Again, I’ve no clue what’s brought about this change, but what I do know is that I’ve stopped actively trying to find out about her, and am thinking of her less often. When she does come to mind, I can acknowledge the thought, I’m aware that I still miss her, but find I’m able to remind myself that she’s just a person like anyone else, and that despite how it may have felt for the longest time, I don’t need her, not in the way that I thought I did.
Will this last? I don’t know, and I’m not prepared to think about it. Like I said, my world is very small right now. There’s me, my family, a couple of close friends and not a whole lot else. I’m trying to keep stressors to a minimum, and doing everything I can to keep myself calm. Right now, this interlude of stability is a huge relief, so I intend to enjoy it for as long as possible!