How do I really feel right now? I fell like shit. I feel trapped. I feel like I’ve all these words building up inside me but I don’t know how to let them out, and even if I did, I’ve no one to let them out to. I am terrified of going back home on Sunday, absolutely terrified. Hubby is an incredible man, but he’s only human. When I snap, again, because a door bangs in the wind, or the dogs bark, or someone is chewing too loudly, or the kids won’t listen…………… There’s only so long he’ll be able to keep his cool in the face of that, and then what? If I’ve already snapped, and he’s on the edge… are we supposed to pull together? He cannot be expected to remain zen in the face of completely irrational reactions on my part, any more than I can be expected to have them 100% under control right now. So where does that leave us? I have absolutely no faith in my ability to cope right now, none.

I remember a photo that was taken of Hubby over 4 years ago now. It was my girl’s first Christmas, and he and my boy had gone for a visit to the local fire station (thanks D). Every time I see that photo, what strikes me most is how tired, and drawn and careworn he looks. Why? Because I was in the absolute depths of postnatal depression at the time. Ok, sleep deprivation was also a factor, but it was more than that. You can be sleep deprived and happy. We weren’t. Every single solitary day was a struggle. He never knew what to expect when he arrived home. Would I be angry? Would I be crying? Would I be defensive? Would I even be there?? How about the time I punched a counter so hard I ended up in A&E? Or the many, many times I rang him either in tears because I couldn’t cope, or in a blind rage for the same reason?

I’m scared to back on Sunday because all of this is on my mind. I don’t have pnd right now, but I am officially all over the place. I have no emotional skin, none whatsoever.

Whatever emotion I meet, I absorb. So if the kids are angry, I can’t deflect it. If Hubby is stressed, I take it on. Worse still is if I know I’m the source of that stress, because then I have my stress, his stress, and a hefty dose of guilt and shame to make it all infinitely worse. He can argue that it’s not me, it’s my condition/illness/whatever the hell you want to call it, but I cannot separate the two, I just can’t. If I can’t tell whether a thought is disordered or valid, if I can’t tell if a reaction is justified or completely out of proportion, how can I possible separate the two? I have borderline, it’s not all of me, but right now, it’s the part that’s in control. I don’t expect people to understand, because I don’t understand. I don’t expect people to know how to talk to me, because I don’t know what to say. I am just so incredibly sorry for being this way. But I might also sleep better for having got all that off my chest. Thank you.

This article has 8 Comments

  1. My therapist is always saying clever things to me, and right now the one I am holding onto is….Don't let yesterdays behavior predict what will happen tomorrow. I thought I'd share. Sometimes just repeating the thought over and over helps me stay focused on the moment. I know the struggle, and I am thinking good things for you. Colleen in NY

    1. Thanks Colleen, that makes a lot of sense. One of the problems I consistently run up against is staying in the present, I have an awful tendency to try and predict and control what's going to happen, even, or maybe especially when things are out of my control. Today at least I'm doing better with it.

  2. Perhaps you're not disordered. Perhaps there's nothing 'wrong' with you and you're simply a human being with some problems that is suffering badly at the moment? Please consider reading this. I'd really like to hear your thoughts on it

    1. Thanks for that. Maybe you're right, maybe there is nothing 'wrong' with me. But tbh, horrible and all as it is, the bpd label has helped me to understand my behaviour so much better, and do something to try and change and manage it. I guess we can't really know definitively because we can't physically test for it, but from where I'm standing, there are too many behaviours that completely match the diagnostic criteria to be able to deny it. I hope that doesn't sound defeatist, but I know from bitter experience that the more I try to insist this isn't real, the harder it gets to manage it.

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