I got some really good feedback in response to my last post, and have spent the last half hour or so going through it and replying to people. The act of doing that has made me think slightly outside of the rut I’ve been in the last while, and I’ve realised something – 6 months ago, when I started feeling bad or that things were getting out of hand again, the first thing I’d decide was that I was too dependent on Therapist and that I’d have to stop seeing her. It was my classic warning sign of wandering into dangerous territory and pure self sabotage – take away the thing that helps most, that I need most, thus guaranteeing me pain, which of course I deserve (or at least, bpd would have me believe I deserve).
One of my readers said this, ‘I wouldnt just end the blog as you might regret that on past evidence‘. And of course, of course, he’s right (thank you so much for gently pointing out the obvious R!). I had a similar conversation with Hubby when I came home from my angry walk on Saturday. He knew exactly what was going through my mind. He told me that shutting down the blog was the emotional equivalent of cutting myself, and that like it or not, I need the blog, because for now I have to be my own therapist. Sure, I could write and not publish, but I know that that won’t work – no one is going to read it so I won’t see the thought process through. I’m not yet at the stage where I can talk myself round in all this, that’s where dbt will come in. What happens now is I’ll get to the part where I feel like crap, or where I’m angry, I’ll wander around there for a while, and then because I’ve nowhere for it to go I’ll either give up on it, or cave and mail Therapist.
It’s quite likely that validation is a big part of all this. People have told me they feel less alone when they read the blog, and that makes me feel better, in a few ways. The obvious one of course is that I’m not alone, I’m not the only one who thinks like this. The less immediately obvious one is the sense of achievement (I’m not sure that’s the right word but it’s the best I can come up with right now). I’ve done something. I’ve written something that got whatever it was out of my head and in some way processed, but I’ve also potentially helped someone else. That makes me feel really, really good, like I’m worth something. It’s not something I feel very often, and I don’t want to give up on anything that gives me that.
Today has been pretty rotten. I struggled to get myself up and going and spent most of the day berating myself for not being more productive. Then I sat down and started to reply to people and I realised another reason why I have this blog – you give me perspective. I sometimes forget that people reading this know exactly what I’m talking about, having been through the same themselves, or witnessed someone else trying to figure out the same issues. So many of the recent comments over on facebook really made me think, and have helped me to figure out, again, what was apparently obvious to a few of you already.
I need to write. I need an outlet, somewhere, for all the crap that’s swimming around my head. I don’t have a therapist, and there’s only so much Hubby can, and should have to, take. That’s where you come in. Whether you read and comment, or just read, in knowing that you’re doing that I have got to make sense of what I’m saying, in so far as I can.
Right now, things are a mess. I’m out of work, I’m desperately looking for someone who can offer me therapeutic support, and I’m really, really struggling to keep on top of what I need to be doing to try and keep myself well. It’s a scary place to be, because my thoughts drift all too easily to self harm and worse, and when I go there it takes a lot of energy to pull myself back. Writing it out, letting you know what’s going on, however difficult or unpleasant or repetitive it may be to read, helps. It always has. Thank you for reminding me. There’s a strong chance you’re going to have to remind me again, repeatedly. I hope that’s ok.