It has been an unbelievably horrible couple of days, worst dip in months. There were two triggers, two conversations in close succession with people I look up to and whose opinion I value. Neither of these conversations were particularly pleasant, but neither of them justified just how bad the last few days have been. I had a full blown borderline attack. Everything I’ve been fighting with and working on the last few months suddenly became inescapable, and all the old reactions came back with them. I wanted to delete facebook. I wanted to shut down the blog. I was so desperate to contact Therapist 1.0 that I got as far as looking up her number online (I deleted it from my phone back when we finished to try and avoid emotional texting/calling) and drafting a text message. A well timed phonecall from someone who knew I was in a bad way gave me enough pause to realise it would really, really not help, so I deleted it. Didn’t stop me from dialling into her voicemail though, but I stopped short of actually leaving a message.
Other behaviours? I hurt myself, more than once. And I went to sleep the last few nights fervently wishing I would not wake up. I’m not suicidal, I won’t take my own life. But if it was to be taken from me? The way I felt the last few days that would have been an ideal case scenario. I get to escape, without leaving a horrendous aftermath for my family to deal with.
I realise this is not pretty reading and may be offensive to some of you, but this is what it looks like when I get completely dysregulated. I do not see logic, I can’t. I can’t rationalise, or be objective. I want out, but I know I can’t do that. It frustrates the hell out of me that dying because of a physical illness leaves sadness, whereas dying because of a mental illness leaves anger and blame. Guilt for even thinking that way kicks in, compounding everything else I’m already fighting with. I don’t mean to sound glib, and it’s possible most of you think I’m talking at best complete horse shit, at worst, complete lunacy, but again, this is where my mind goes when things get really bad.
This morning I woke up feeling brighter, and I can see all of this again, I can see just how out of hand things got. I’m exhausted. I feel like I went on the absolute batter last night and got about two hours sleep. My head is pounding. Some follow up conversations need to be had and they’re not likely to be easy. I’m hoping that the knowledge of how far over the edge the last couple pushed me will help me be more controlled in my response this time, or if not, that I can minimise the fallout. Either way, I’m very relieved that the storm has passed for now.