I feel like something of a slow motion train wreck at the moment. I can see it happening, people around me can see it happening. We’re desperately trying everything possible to stop it but I don’t know if it will be enough. Today I think it might be. Yesterday? Well yesterday was pretty much hellish so I was less than convinced. I had a monumental first. In all the years I’ve been working with her, I’ve never once fully believed that there was nothing more Therapist could do to help, that I was wasting her time, wasting my time, and generally just making an arse of myself. I’ve thought it plenty of times, but not actually believed it, not completely.Yesterday? Yesterday I spent 15 minutes sitting in front of her getting angrier and angrier, refusing to look at her and yet completely unable to express it, until I eventually decided I’d had enough and walked out. Full on drama queen moment. I had no clue where I was going, but I had to move from where I was (just as an aside that’s a pretty strong feature of how things are at the moment. I constantly feel I need to move from where I am, or do something, anything to change my situation and try and make it better. It doesn’t tend to work out because funnily enough, I can’t run away from myself, no matter how far I go). Needless to say, I didn’t get very far. In fact, I got no further than the nearest public loo (classy) where I had a good cry and realised I had no idea what I was at and I’d missed my bus, so back I went to her with my tail between my legs. She was good enough not to tell me to fuck off.
This is the train wreck part. No more than I’ve heard from the hospital, there isn’t anything more she can say, especially if I’m not going to speak to her, and she’s always been my lifeline so that’s scary. So instead she rang my GP to see if there’s anything else he can do, and to try and get some clarity around what I’ve already been told. I’m to check in with him this evening, with any luck he’ll have some progress to fill me in on, then I’m to let her know what the plan is. She’s doing her best for me. So is my doctor. So are Hubby, my parents and my friends. I have people looking out for me, I really do. I just can’t see it so well at the moment. I also don’t feel very safe during the times between when I see Therapist and GP, which is most of the time. I’m scared of my anger, and I’m scared of the sense of hopelessness that takes over me. I also really, really resent being someone who needs to be watched, who can’t be trusted to be left alone, and that resentment bubbles over very easily into frustration and anger. I think, maybe, that the anger is here because it’s driving me on – in a perverse and really unhelpful way, it’s keeping me going. I recognise that I need a more gentle approach, but I can’t give that to myself, not yet. And in the meantime, all those around me are feeling the brunt of it. Most are lacking in the many years of training Therapist has been through to manage being on the receiving end of my anger. This I also find incredibly hard to forgive.
|Am I Eeyore? I hope not, he seems like really hard work. But I do have some very lovely friends who are trying their hardest to keep me going, and that’s just lovely|
So in the meantime? In the meantime all I can do is keep going and keep taking xanax to try and stay on an even keel. Until such a time as someone can give me some clear direction, I will be maintaining a bare minimum – work, home, bed, netflix (anything to keep my mind from listening to itself) interspersed with drugs I’d much rather not be taking but cannot do without. It’s far from ideal – if nothing else I’m quite liable to fall asleep and my mind is definitely not up to speed. But I have no choice any more. I cannot do this alone, and, I cannot do it without medication. If my life were different, maybe. But it’s not. Wishing it otherwise will only make things worse. Acceptance, right? I’ve a long, long way to go.