The last few weeks have been so intense, and incredibly draining, but the drama and the excitement and the need to fight for myself has kept me going. Bpd thrives on drama. But now? It’s done, and I’m back in limbo, waiting. I’m really frustrated this morning because I’m falling back into a rut – stay up too late with netflix, couple of drinks most nights, up early to get the kids out, then back to bed because I’m too tired from the night before to function properly. The day drifts by with me resenting every single thing that needs doing, and either ignoring same or berating myself because I haven’t done anything about it. Guilt, frustration, shame, anger………rinse, repeat. Ad nauseum.
I have no structure on my day, no routine, and it’s not good for me. Honestly? I think it’s leading me back into depression again just as I was on the way out. I need to feel like I have a purpose that goes beyond folding washing for the millionth time. I was starting to find my way before all this palaver with the dbt – I was getting to bed early, getting enough sleep, walking the dogs after I dropped the kids to school then coming home to do some yoga. But then again, that was also at the other extreme – I was doing that every day. Nothing wrong with that, other than if I miss a day, my tendency is to decide it’s broken, and give it up entirely, so it comes to the bpd back to all or nothing, again. I can’t do yoga a couple of times a week, there’s no point. It has to be everyday or not at all. Same with the dogs. If I fall out of the habit of the daily walk, that’s it. Same with sleep, with diet…….it’s infuriating!!
I know it’s a bpd thing. Therapist 2 (I still haven’t come up with anything better) had me fill out a fairly comprehensive questionnaire which I think aims to establish where I am on the borderline spectrum. Their was a whole series of questions about motivation, and being able to stick with a routine, with goals. It hadn’t really occurred to me before how much bpd could be impacting on that, but when I consider my tendency to self sabotage (Therapist used to say I was inclined to find something that works, do it for a bit, then fuck it out the window and wait for the wheels to fall off again) it makes sense. I was determined to go to bed early last night. But when the time came? Nope. Needless to say this morning has been a write off.
But, what’s good (I guess) is that I can see this, and I can see what a negative affect it’s having. I think what’s going on is that I really just want to get started on actively getting out of this hole. The Eden Programme is starting next week so that’s something, but I don’t have a date yet for therapy. Knowing it’s there, for definite, somewhere in the future has been hugely helpful for the last couple of weeks, but the impact of that is wearing off now. With the distraction of fundraising and fighting taken away, I’m able to see again just how much the bpd patterns are still with me and still impacting on every little thing. I’m impatient to get to the end of this. I want to start the Eden Programme. I want to start therapy. I want my life back.