Remember I decided this was going to be the week I’d find out about dbt? I was right. Kind of. Except not in the way that I wanted. I knew that the meeting to decide who was going to get a place was to happen at some stage at the beginning of this month, so when I hadn’t heard anything by Tuesday I cracked and called the hospital. They got back to me Wednesday. Decisions hadn’t yet been made, but, a conversation with the overall coordinator of the dbt programme indicated that things aren’t looking good. As it stands, they are down to just 4 therapists from 10, and this may not be enough to run the programme at all. Even if it does go ahead, it may not happen straight away, and there would be fewer places available than had been anticipated.
On the extremely slim off chance that I do get a place, there’s no doubt that other people who need it, and were expecting to start within a matter of weeks, will not. How is this fair? We are weeks from an election, and yet services are falling into a worse state than ever before. The therapists who have been lost are not likely to be replaced. My fear, aside from the obvious impact that not getting dbt will have, is that the whole programme will just be let slide, will fall way down the list of priorities, and will eventually be dropped.
I wonder do the powers that be know the unique sense of utter hopelessness that comes with being told that your last available option is in fact no longer available? I have been hanging on by my fingernails for the last 8 months. I’ve done everything that was asked of me – I’m taking the drugs, I stopped seeing Therapist, I’m trying my absolute hardest to keep myself on the straight and narrow. But this? Wednesday evening we felt utterly, utterly defeated. Thursday we started looking at alternatives, although really, our options are extremely limited. Dbt therapists are thin on the ground, and extremely expensive so that’s not going to work. There are a couple of websites that do dbt skills, so I could take a look at those. I’ve applied to do the Eden Programme with Suicide or Survive, although I may have missed the cut off date for that. And other than that? We’re not allowing ourselves to think of what that particular other may be. We should find out for sure on Monday, but honestly, I would be astounded if I get a place at this point.
Today I’m ok. I’ve been working really hard this week to keep myself going – I’ve been walking for an hour a day, and doing an hour of yoga as well. Anxiety levels are pretty high, but I’m managing, as long as I don’t think past Monday. Cross everything you own that we hear the news we not only want, but so badly need, next week.